There are three kinds of people in this world: people who drink coffee, people who drink tea, and people who drink pickle juice. We've already covered the former. This post is for the second category. (We'll get to you, pickle drinkers. Simmer down.)
The world of tea is a parallel universe where everyone has warm hands, good digestion, and can pronounce the words "oolong" and "pekoe" without laughing. It is a joyful and deeply confusing place, or, some might say, state of being. If you are uninitiated, don't worry. Study this primer, and you'll be ready for your next royal wedding in no time.
Black tea: Coffee for non-coffee drinkers
Herbal tea: Like drinking spa music
Green tea: The tea you drink because you're supposed to, not because you want to
White tea: A delicate tea from the mist-shrouded mountains of the remote Fujian province of China; it is not white
Mint tea: Tea for when you're sick or tired (or sick and tired)
Chamomile: Tea for when you're sick or want to be tired
Rooibos: A red tea that usually tastes like vanilla (fine, if you're into that kind of thing)
Chai: A spiced milk tea originally from India; the latte of teas
Oolong: A traditional Chinese tea; the opposite of Ooshort tea
Earl Grey: Black tea with Bergamot orange essence; in the tea hierarchy, ranks below Marquess Black and above Viscount Off-White
Lady Grey: Earl Grey tea wearing perfume
Sweet tea: The real cause of the Civil War
Tea punch: Sweet, sweet nectar of the gods
Tea bag: Easy tea
Loose-leaf tea: Hard tea
Blossom tea: Crazy pretty tea
Bubble tea: Tea with balls in it; served with a fat straw
The Tea Party: We asked around, has nothing to do with tea
How do you take your oolong?
Related post: A Coffee Primer for N00bs
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