8 Things About 2 Broke Girls: Episode 7
1. Max probably isn't volunteering at Shady Pines anytime soon. Up top, Max tries to be cutesy with a four-top of blue-hairs, but they immediately barrage her with a cranky laundry list of things they hate about her and the restaurant. Max's reaction: "Whoa—hold up, ladies. You don't get a 'bitch pass' just because you're old...You come in here with your 'gangster granny' attitude thinking you can dump all over the lowly...waitress? No way. At this diner, we don't discriminate due to age; if you're going to act like an ass, I'm going to treat you like an ass, no matter how close that ass is riding to the floor. Now...we'll take it from the top. Hi, I'm Max. Who wants tapioca?"
Two huge problems with this: 1) there are no old people in Williamsburg, and 2) THERE ARE NO OLD PEOPLE IN WILLIAMSBURG. I promise! I lived there for almost four years, and please believe me when I say that you will never, ever see hipsters in the same setting with old people (who, again, DO NOT LIVE IN WILLIAMSBURG). Get it right, show. Also, Max? Could you maybe be a little nicer to the people with the arteriosclerosis? Shouting at them isn't just rude—it could actually be lethal, and when they drop dead because you berated them into submission, you'll have a very hard time explaining why you're not guilty of quadruple manslaughter. Do not ask me how I know this.
2. Max needs not-biting-the-hand-that-feeds-her lessons. Four people wearing suits come into the diner. (People wear suits in Williamsburg? Okay. I'll suspend disbelief.) Anyway, judging by Earl and Max's reaction, it's an event to rival Queen Mary Elizabeth Sprinklebottom pooping out agave rainbows and throwing up gentrification. Max is crazy peeved that anyone above the poverty line would dare to move into her 'hood, so when Caroline's all, "[The suit people] want to meet the woman who made the cupcakes! I told then you'd be right over," Max slouches along and brandishes her best Catherine Tate/"I'm not bovvered" antagonism. After giving the suits the verbal equivalent of the finger, they gush all over her cupcake-making abilities, and Max's attitude suddenly changes. She's glowing and restating how they called her cupcakes "FAB-U-Louuuuuuuus," and does anyone else think this is a huge departure from her character? The Max we've been shown so far would either a) dissolve and get tongue-tied under the weight of the compliments or b) make a tactless crotch joke and punch someone in the face. Whatever on the consistency front, show.
3. Yay for character actors! Whoever's casting the day players is kicking serious butt. We get the delightful Megan Heyn at an elitist cafe owner and Carla Gallo as an obnoxious pastry instructor, and they both nail it. Plus, Carla was once the star of this sadly-canceled genius piece of programming, and if you've never seen it, ZOMG GO. WATCH. IT. RIGHT. NOW. I'll wait. Seriously.
4. Off to the cafe. Since the suit-people were like, "We totes want these in the swanky cafe in our building that we all live in because we're the first ever Williamsburg Trust Fund Commune, and also? SWEET FLAVA PROFILE, BALLER," Caroline immediately seizes the opportunity and sets up a meet-and-greet with the cafe owner. Her name is Semhar, and she's wonderfully dreadlocked and Lululemony—spacey and new-agey, but in an entitled, upwardly-mobile kind of way. Semhar turns down the girls because the cupcakes aren't "pretty enough," which sends Max into a verbal diarrhea rage—one in which she insults Semhar's coif by calling her "Battlefield Earth"—and gets Caroline a-thinkin'. Proactive as ever, Caroline rushes out, buys a decorating kit and signs them up for a two-night cupcake decorating workshop at a bakery. Max is skeptical (and so am I, because can you really learn everything about cupcake decorating in two classes? If so, sign me up!) and Caroline reads between the lines: Max is being a brat because she's scared she'll fail. Max cops to her insecurity, and off they go.
5. Johnny tension. Johnny's back at the diner, so I can wake up from my nap. He's got his friend "Carlos" with him, and they purposely avoid Max's station. Yut-yoh. Of course, this makes Max even more unsettled about their unresolved sexual tension, but as it turns out, the only reason they're eschewing the glory of Max's waitron-ing skillz is because Carlos (who we've never seen before) has a "thing" for Caroline. Johnny clears this up with Max during an exchange in the walk-in, and while the banter (which heavily centers around the idea that they're pimping out their friends) leaves a lot to be desired, again? SIZZLE. Sadly, their would-be flirtation crashes when Oleg enters. He chides Johnny's lack of manliness, and shills for himself: "You know what they say, 'Once you go Ukraine, you will scream with sex pain.'" What's that I taste? Oh, right—my own bile, because a) gross and b) boring.
6. This show just got meta. Max accuses Caroline for not being into Carlos because he's Puerto Rican. (It's clearly not because he gets so nervous when Caroline walks by that he's only capable of sleazing out, "What's haaaaaaapenninnnnnn'?") Did this show, one of the more racist/sexist/tactless abominations on the fall season, actually just have its characters accuse each other of bigotry? Trippy. And to add onto the weirdness, Caroline unveils her newly redone Murphy bed, which she's decorated in deep pink tones. Max assesses that Caroline's acting out her sexual frustrations on her duvet cover, and accuses Caroline of turning her bed into a vagina. This is the part where I go back to sleep because I'm sick of this show using "vagina" like it's a ready-made punchline.
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: VAGINA!!! I get cookie now?
Q: Sigh. Yes, Joke-A-Tron 4000. Yes, you do.
7. At the cupcake decorating class...Clearly, the writers watched an episode of Cake Boss and were like, "That's what 2BG needs!" Honestly, it's not the worst idea. We meet deeply-tanned, totally passive-aggressive cousins Stephanie and Serena, and they're delightfully ready-made for reality TV. They intro themselves, and then ask the class attendees to say a little about themselves. This is the part where we find out the class is filled with gay male couples except for Caroline and Max (who the cousins also mistake for lesbians), and I don't need to write down all the gay jokes they make because you already know them by heart. Anyway, Caroline starts out excited about the learning process only to be cut down by the disapproving "S" cousins. Her attitude transforms from peppy to petulant and she blames the bakery's success on "mob money" and lays down insults like "Robert DeNir-Hos." You know what? Watching a self-important debutant whine is even less entertaining than it sounds.
8. The aftermath. Max is incensed by the whole encounter—she also failed the first baking class—but instead of quitting, it spurs her on to an angry all-nighter of perfecting her icing flowers. (Admittedly, it's pretty funny to think of someone being like, "I HATE YOU, CONFECTIONER'S SUGAR ROSE I JUST MADE.") She and Caroline return to class the next night, and Max presents the "S" cousins with the prettiest cupcake EVAH. As soon as they compliment her, she smashes it on the counter in front of them. (Aggro, much?) Instead, Max presents the cousins with personalized insultcakes; one of them reads "Bite Me!" and the other says "Screw U!", and the cousins are mortified. Caroline recognizes the genius of the idea—Max is awesome at baking and sarcasm, so why not marry the two? And right on cue, two of their fellow attendees (an engaged gay couple, natch) immediately offer to buy their first batch, encouragingly saying, "And really let us bitches have it!" Ergh. Okay. Well? At least the "mean cupcake" idea is cute, and the girls are on their way to success. Out of the mouths of gays oft times come gems. Are we done yet, episode? We are? Awesome. I'm going back to naptown, but wake me up if Johnny comes back. Or if Oleg says anything other than "pants party."
Worst Supporting Elements: No Peach again; lackluster everything.
Related post: 8 Things About 2 Broke Girls: Episode 6