First things first: does anyone have Gandalf’s cellphone number? I just texted Dumbledore asking if he’d be down for some mano-a-mano combat with Geezer the Gray, and he was like “OH, TOTES. It's ON.” So if we can get Big G to agree, we’ve got ourselves front row seats to the second-greatest battle of all time (the first-greatest took place last year, during my dance-off with Neville Longbottom. I DESTROYED him, in case you were wondering. That fool couldn't pop and lock if his life depended on it).
NOW, if you missed last week's post (HOW DARE YOU), you're probably wondering why a blog about the book He's Just Not That Into You opened with a paragraph about a wizard death match. And the answer is, wizard death matches actually have a lot in common with dating: both, if done incorrectly, leave you defeated, financially bankrupt, and missing at least one eye. Fortunately, Greg and Liz, authors of HJNTIY and purveyors of a cruel, cruel brand of wisdom, have a solution (for dating, not for wizard death matches): he's just not that into you.
When I first read their catchphrase in the introduction last week, it was like taking a Mordor blade right to the shin: could it really be true that if a guy isn't falling all over himself to be around me, he just isn't that interested? Rather than consider the truth behind the words, I decided that Greg was a moron whose hair looks like a platter of damp tortilla chips. I wasn't the only one with a strong reaction; you guys posted some true gems in the comments section, from “chelsea dagger you are so immature greg is not an ass you are” to "I am in love with you" to “GREG SHALL NOT PREVAIL” to “Dumbledore’s magic has way less rules than Gandalf’s.”
And while all of these comments are at least 68% true, my favorite came from AloneApart, who brilliantly noted: "'He's just not that into you' isn't supposed to be insulting, it's supposed to empowering!” (ladybug8893, Awesomeshmellow, Hochmodel, and pokelover02 made similar statements; GUYS, HOW DID YOU GET SO SMART?)
After reading that, I realized I wasn't giving the book enough of a chance; if the Sparklers, my most trusted advisors, think that Greg is onto something, than by God, he can't be all bad. So I dug into Chapter 1 (which bears the ludicrously lengthy title "He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out; Because If He Likes You, Trust Me, He Will Ask You Out") with a new attitude and a resolve to be more open-minded (I also had 4 family-sized bags of Tootsie Rolls beside me, in case the going got rough).
In a few short pages, Greg neatly dispatches almost every excuse ever used by a girl who has found herself pursuing a guy or in a struggling relationship: he's shy, he doesn't want to ruin our friendship, he's intimidated by me, he wants to take it slow, maybe he just needs a nudge in the right direction, and finally, the one that I've been clinging to: what if I don't want to wait around for him to call—what if I want to make the first move, because I'm tired of playing games?
He basically says that all of these reasons are just sugar-coated versions of "he's not that into you," and then makes the definitive statement: "If we want you, we will find you." I like this, because it reminds me a lot of that scene in The Fellowship of the Ring, when Arwn has dweeby, dying Frodo on the back of her horse, and all those scary ring wraiths are chasing them, and she's like "IF YOU WANT HIM, COME AND CLAIM HIM!" I think Greg is basically saying that girls are Frodo, and dudes are wraiths, and if those dude-wraiths REALLY wanted to take Frodo out for cheeseburgers, then nothing could stop them, not even a raging torrent of water-horses. AM I GETTING IT? MAYBE?
I was finally coming around to the idea that if a guy likes you, he'll make an effort to reach out to you, to text you, to spend time with you. But in the back of my head, I still wondered, Why can't I reach out to him?
This is where Liz steps in and says exactly what I was thinking: "Are you telling us that we just have to sit around and wait? I don't know about you, but I find that infuriating...I spent my life making things happen for myself...but now Greg is telling us that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We're just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us."
PREACH, LIZ. I was totally on board with Liz's diatribe—why SHOULD we have to wait around? Why can't WE do the picking?— but once again, Greg threw a bucket of gravy at the fire of my resistance (feel free to use that metaphor 24 hours a day, 9 days a week).
He lays out the cold, hard facts: men like doing the pursuing. It's in their nature; they love the thrill of the chase. And if the girl finds herself having to be the aggressor, then she's probably going after a guy that doesn't like her enough to do the chasing himself. And if I really think about it, and apply it to my past relationship/dating experiences, that is absolutely true.
DAMMIT, GREG, YOU GOT ME. YOU GOT ME GOOD.
Lessons We Learned this Chapter:
-Sometimes Chelsea is wrong. Never speak of this to anyone.
-Boromir is smokin' hot. We all knew that before this chapter, but it's nice to have a little reminder.
- And finally, straight from Greg's mouth, here are a few things you've GOT to remember:
*An excuse is a polite rejection.
*Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking.
*You are good enough to be asked out.
Get all of the above tattooed on your face, and you will be one step closer to landing the man/girl/Frodo/ring wraith/cheeseburger of your dreams. See you next week, butts!
So, are you starting to understand Greg and Liz's point of view? Have you ever pursued a guy before, and did it work out? Don't you totally LOVE that scene with Arwen and the river horses? ISN'T IS JUST THE MOST BADASS THING EVER?
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