Dumping a Fictional Character

OsmosisBabies is tackling the difficult task of breaking up with a boy...who doesn't exist. —Sparkitors

Breaking up is hard to do... especially when you're a real girl and he's a fictional character.

To be exact, the fellow in question is Tuxedo Mask: the black tie-wearing, rose-wielding hottie from the Sailor Moon anime. Now, to clarify, I am one of those people with the peculiar condition of easily falling in love with fictitious characters. Something about the perfection of a guy who only exists in your imagination has always been appealing to me. However, I've lately realized that this particular relationship isn't going to work out. And it's all his fault. To soothe the blow of the breakup, I've done him the courtesy of writing him the following letter:

Dear Tuxedo Mask,

When I was six years old, I saw you for the first time. There was something utterly wonderful about you. Was it the catchphrases? The cape? The way you constantly reminded me to believe in myself? I'm not sure. All that is certain is that for ten long years, you were my anime hero and the boy of my dreams.

That is, until yesterday, when I dug up some of those long-loved cassettes, and decided to refresh my memory of you. While watching, I noticed something, Tuxedo: You have this tendency to pop in, throw a rose at the bad guy, and say something wise. Then the Sailor Scouts, who were trapped in the clutches of the villains, swoon over you and are suddenly able to find the inner strength to defeat them.

What, you ask, is so wrong with that?

You save the Scouts every time. You never let them problem solve. Your role in the show would be more interesting if:

A) You had a certifiable power. Roses do not count. You give those on Valentine's Day. You plant them in a garden. They don't defeat evil.
B) You got a life. Honesty, do you track Serena everywhere? You seem to really like her and... I thought we had something.
C) You let the Sailor Scouts have their show. This show is called SAILOR MOON. It's about... Sailor Moon. If it was your show, it'd be called Tuxedo Mask. So, stop trying to steal the spotlight, for the love of all that's holy.

You, my former hero, obviously feel that women are too incompetent to think things through and win their own fights. I don't need you anymore. You may be devilishly handsome, but I want an anime boyfriend that respects me, that maybe I do the saving once and a while. Heroics get old, so...

Have a nice life,
OsmosisBabies

Who's your childhood crush?

Related Post: My Crush is an Anime Boy

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