Let’s admit that November is really just Pre-December. But will this month of food and foliage be warm and cozy, or rainy and cold? And what should you be thankful for this Thanksgiving? The answers await below…
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Be thankful for pianos and numbers. This is a wonderful month to buy used pumpkins. A friend will become an enemy, and an enemy will become a rabbit…although that last part doesn’t sound right. Maybe our crystal ball is messed up. There are three secrets hidden in the third room you enter tomorrow. Do not look too closely into the strange car in the parking lot. Your month will be wonderful if you can make thirteen or more words from the letters of your middle name. Your lucky leftover is corn.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Be thankful for chimneys and ducks. Oh boy. Where to start? First, don’t eat anything orange or off-yellow. Don’t talk to, or through, doors. Be wary of buying mittens, as your fingers will have much to do in the coming weeks. Dot the i’s first, and then make the line. Stay away from Mary. Don’t talk with your mouth full…of spiders. Appreciate your shins. Find something new to do with stairs. Stop calling the toilet the “doodie chair.” And above all else, don’t you dare look at your elbow! Your lucky leftover is mashed potatoes.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Be thankful for corners and spices. You may find true love this month. Hint: Your soulmate will not be wearing a chef’s toque tomorrow. Be open to new ideas, such as edible computers. Be closed to old ideas, such as inedible typewriters. When flirting, remember to make eye contact and, especially, knee contact. Trying to piss off a polar bear? Use riddles, as polar bears have little patience for word games. Gravity can’t solve all your problems, but it will help you in exactly 17 minutes. Your lucky leftover is sweet potatoes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Be thankful for napkins and magnets. Nobody is interested in your toe, despite your hilarious story. The third person who speaks to you tomorrow is a dirty, filthy, perverse, no good, wolfish liar. Think carefully before declaring, “The orange one!” When passing a serving dish, always say, “Careful. It’s cold. Just kidding.” That line is always funny. Try to be the first person this month to use “jazzy” in a math answer. There is money hidden in the thing that is not Irish. Your lucky leftover is peas.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Be thankful for ice and pants. Keep your hands and hair away from seemingly empty animal cages. Love will find you on the 24th, but so will hunger, hostility, and the Phantom. Everything needs more salt and less zinc. This is not a good month to be barefoot or bare-eyed. The book you're reading may surprise you. The sentence you're reading will surprise you too, as it was written without use of fingers. You will not catch a cold if you eat right, wash your hands, and save the life of an enchanted imp. Your lucky leftover is pumpkin pie.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Be thankful for wrists and tables. You will look great this month, but sound vicious. Never lend money to a denim salesperson. You need not worry about tomorrow, but bring a sharp axe just in case. There is money to be made by selling your thoughts regarding society, ghosts, and serums. Take back everything you said about The Polar Express. Time flies when you’re having fun or dealing with time flies, the time traveling insects. Be on your best behavior this weekend. Be on your third best behavior next Tuesday. Your lucky leftover is gravy.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Be thankful for doors and penguins. Keep calm and pudding on. (That’s a new slogan we’re trying to popularize. Neat, right?) There is much to be learned from grandparents and talking cats. Do you have a crush on someone with the initials H.B.? Because H.B. thinks you’re wonderful. H.B. just paid us seven dollars to write that, because H.B. is shy about feelings and loose with money. The store you like is filled with germs and creeps. Your lucky leftover is stuffing.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Be thankful for electricity and feet. Consider the rhinoceroses. You won’t always get what you want, but sometimes you’ll get what you need, and you will need a hammer. A big one. You will also need strong arms, and a good, positive attitude. Your best friend told us everything about what happened after the concert. It’s OK. We’re not angry. In fact, we’re proud of you! Stay away from houses with elaborate mailboxes. Speak in slant rhyme. Your lucky leftover is turkey.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Be thankful for the sun and mugs. Going out tonight? Wear something that accentuates your throat and mind. The forest is no place for a kiss or a boat. Keep your eye out for the man with two black shoes—he is here just for you! There is nothing wrong with the bun; stop whining. The road to success is paved with pavement. You need to focus on your goals and your fire department. There is no such thing as pickle soda. Your lucky leftover is pecan pie.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Be thankful for family and toothpaste. This is a great month to buy 2011 calendars at discounted prices! A true friend would never say Back to the Future 2 was better than the original. Need money? Try selling mirrors. Despite the economy, we all need mirrors, right? Seems like a recession-proof industry. In forty-four hours, the initials P.L. will be very important. The initials W.D. will remain useless. We’re all very worried about you and your sleepwalking. By the way, you sleepwalk. The clerk at the grocery story saw everything. Your lucky leftover is cranberry sauce.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Be thankful for gravity and maps. More people love you than you suspect, unless you suspect the number is thirteen. Because the number is, indeed, thirteen. The words “pernicious” and “zippy” will somehow help you on your big, important test this month. Remember them well. Try not to think about the invisible moon hanging over our heads. It means us no harm…hopefully. Take care of your teeth, for they will save a life by month’s end. Don't honk. Your lucky leftover is ham.
Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
Be thankful for flowers and rope. The answer you seek is waiting in the fridge, behind the orange juice. Money and love will be yours if you refer to trains as “Choo-choo snakes.” Finish the book you are reading by the end of the second week, or horrible things will happen to your clothes. The candy is more than candy. She who laughs third, laughs loudest! Say no to the senator. Your lucky leftover is green bean casserole.
Are you happy with your lucky leftover?
Related post: October Horoscopes