Dear Auntie SparkNotes:
I have this incredible friend, she's the greatest - we've known each other since the day she was born - and we've always told each other everything.
Until now.
A year ago, she started dating this guy. Let's call him HIM. She's been dating HIM for a year now - and it's a crappy relationship. HE's constantly telling her not to hang out with certain friends of hers (other members of the male species to be exact), and that she doesn't spend enough time with him. For example, the last time I went to a movie with her, we met a few of our friends there! It was great, because we hadn't seen them in a long time, and decided to hang out after the movie. It was going to be a fantastically-awesome-tastic day. And then he started texting her and calling her and telling her to go home and not hang out with the rest of us. HE's always trying to control what she does, who she hangs out with, blah-blah-blah. I told her that I was worried - this was a word-by-word description of emotional abuse that we talked about in health! Then she always sighs, and she tells me that she knows he is going over the line, but not to worry about it, it's fine. But it's not! I love this girl, she's the closest person to me I've ever known. And she's stuck with HIM, and doesn't realize what a bad relationship she's in... I just don't know what to do.
I know that whoever I talk to will tell me "talk to an adult". "Talk to her parents", but don't you get it? They can't do anything. If she won't listen to me, she's not going to listen to anyone. Plus, I'm to going to take advantage of her trust. What do I do?
Wellllll, hang on. Because—and we'll come back to this again later—there is, in fact, plenty that her parents can do. They can monitor her relationship more closely. They can enroll her in counseling. They can even, possibly, keep her from seeing or speaking to this guy as long as she lives under their roof. (And trust that by the time she no longer does, she'll have realized that controlling douchebags make terrible boyfriends.)
But the problem (and this is what makes abusive relationships such insidious, hard-to-kill beasts) is that the efforts to separate an abusee from an abuser often just make the victim feel defensive, angry, and judged. And if your friend is made to feel that her boyfriend is under attack—and, by extension, her intelligence and judgment in deciding to date him—then there's a major risk here that she'll shut down, cut you off, and double her investment in the relationship just to prove that you're all wrong.
Which is why right now, what your friend really needs is your love and support. She needs to know that she can talk to you. She needs to know you respect her. She needs to know that you're there, no matter what, but most especially if and when she chooses to leave. And that means that no, you're not going to tell an adult... yet.
What you are going to do, however, is exactly what you've been doing: communicating when appropriate that this guy's attitude is bad news. You've done an excellent job so far of pointing out the boyf's crappy behavior when it rears its ugly head—and with your friend already acknowledging his controlling tendencies, you're in a great place to keep that conversation going. So, the next time a flurry of text messages interrupts your time together, just ask her: What's up with that? No judgment, no argument, just a question that she can't answer without reinforcing for herself that his behavior is inappropriate. And when she does admit that he's crossing a line, the next question is: How does she feel about that? And when she tells you not to worry, ask her: Wouldn't she worry, if she saw a friend in this situation?
Again, your goal isn't to force or manipulate her out of the relationship; leaving has to be her decision. But you can keep her thinking, keep her talking. What you offer is support, connection, and an honest, nonjudgmental perspective she can't ignore—all of which becomes a life-saving source of validation for whenever she sees this guy for the loser that he is. Basically, you leave the door open, and you trust that when the time comes, she'll walk through it.
That said, this advice only works for as long as your friend has clear eyes, good judgment, and a healthy perspective on her boyfriend's behavior. Are his attempts to control her obnoxious and wrong? Sure. But if she's ignoring his demands, continuing to live her life just as she always has, and readily describing his behavior as "over the line," then that's all they are: attempts. Not every person is susceptible to being emotionally manipulated, and not every person who dates a controlling douchebag ends up becoming a victim of abuse. And right now, it sounds like your pal is standing her ground.
But if that changes—if you see her withdrawing, becoming isolated, and losing herself to this guy—if you see her out of control and allowing herself to be hurt—then yes, your next stop is a conversation with her parents. Yes, even though it's a betrayal of her trust. Because when you're watching someone you love let herself be abused, keeping her friendship is less important than keeping her safe.
Have you ever watched a friend date a controlling jerk? Tell us in the comments. And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Run Away!
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