How To Stay Fit When It Gets Cold
It's pretty easy to stay in shape in the summer, when the weather is warm, the sun is beaming down all bright and cheerful, and animals are frolicking around through the meadows, spontaneously making out with each other. Then the weather grows cold. Suddenly the sun becomes lazy and shiftless, flowers die, and the only wildlife you can see through the swirling blizzard outside your window is a gaggle of yetis.
It is still possible to stay fit despite your body's desire to climb into bed with a pie over your face, but it takes some ingenuity. Here are a few ways to get through winter without getting chased down by zoo curators who have mistaken you for an escaped walrus.
1.) Engage In Indoor Activities
One way to avoid the cold outside is to be someplace that is not outside—for instance, inside. Some places that are inside include gyms and yoga studios, where girls can enjoy putting their legs behind their heads and constricting their Moon Chakras, while boys can ogle girls, fall down, and realize they are as coordinated as The Blob.
Calories Burned By Being a Human Gumby: 200-600 per hour, depending on yoga type.
2.) Watch Indoor Activities
If you're not so much a fan of "exercising" and "leaving the couch," EPSN is your friend. Simply turn on the TV at some ungodly hour and treat yourself to the Division-3 Collegiate Crab-Walking Semifinals. "ARGH, WHY IS THIS EVEN A THING THAT EXISTS," you will bellow in confusion and anger, whereupon you will smash your television.
Calories Burned By Jumping Around and Smashing a Television: 910 per hour, apparently.
3.) Try To Catch Snowflakes In Your Mouth
It is an immutable law of physics that no matter how much snow is falling directly on your face, as soon as you try to catch a snowflake on your tongue, all of the snowflakes will somehow land in your eye or up your nose. You will be reduced to running in circles, staring at the sky with your mouth agape like a common crazy person.
Calories Burned By Flailing Around And Falling Over ("Low-Impact Aerobics"): 365 per hour.
4.) Build A Snowman, Or Its Equivalent
Everyone knows how to build a snowman:
- Arrange snow into humanoid shape.
- Dress it up like a turn-of-the-century Englishman for some reason.
- Provide arms, so that your snowman can hug another snowman if it wants.
- Add carrot nose, coal eyes, and cheery smile that seems to say "Hey, you're all right by me, kiddo!"
If you lack snow, of course, your options are somewhat more limited.
- Rake some leaves into the most humanoid shape you can manage, which will be a pile.
- Plop a carrot aimlessly on top.
- Maybe give this horrible leaf-man some stick arms, or don't; it is too depressing to be alive.
- "Did I solicit thee from darkness to promote me?" your abomination seems to beg. You burned some calories, but at what cost?
Calories Burned By Playing God: 285 per hour.
5.) Skiing (Downhill or Cross-Country)
There are two kinds of people in the world. Some of them think "You know what I could go for right now? Hurtling blindly down a frozen slope, screaming in primal exhilaration, risking the total destruction of my body by a cruel and unforgiving mountain." The rest of us think "I will walk around with boards on my feet."
Calories Burned By Plummeting Headlong Into Certain Death: 406 per hour.
Calories Burned By Waddling Around Like A Coward: 544 per hour. Take that, downhill skiers!
7.) Avoid The Winter Binge
"OMG," thinks your caveman brain, every time the weather gets cold. "How many wooly mammoths have I saved up to eat??" And since most of us have saved up no wooly mammoths, we are suddenly stricken with the urge to eat everything, everywhere, before it is gone forever. It is normal and expected to react this way, but if you're at least aware that winter makes you more likely to plunge your face directly into a wedding cake and inhale until there is no more cake left, you can at least try to bolster your self-control in advance.
Calories Burned By Not Plunging Your Face Into A Wedding Cake: However many calories are in a wedding cake.
How are you going to stay in shape this winter?
Related post: No More Whining: Ashley's Workout Advice