Bad Date Ideas
Dating is pretty much the most catastrophe-prone thing you can do, outside of working in a factory that produces both cupcakes and cupcake-shaped rat poison. Dates are full of awkwardness and unfamiliarity and potential disaster, and if you have ever gone on a date that ended without one or both of you on fire, you got lucky.
That said, some date ideas are even more likely to end in total failure than others. Here are some examples.
1.) Fancy Dinner-For-Two
The Plan: "This secluded dining experience will be romantic, like in the movies!"
Result: With no distractions other than each other's dumb faces, you immediately run out of things to say. Every time the waiter comes around, you both pepper him with desperate questions like "How is the lamb tonight" and "Are you sure you recommend the lamb" and "What is a lamb." Finally he abandons your table entirely, leaving you to pick at your lamb bones in grim silence.
2.) Live Music
The Plan: "She likes music. I like music. Everybody likes music! Date solved."
Result: (Shouting over excruciatingly loud band:)
"YOU HAVE REALLY PRETTY EYES"
"I SAID YOU HAVE REALLY PRETTY EYES"
"WHICH PRETTY GUYS?"
"NO YOUR EYES"
"YOU CAN'T HAVE MY FRIES, THEY'RE MINE"
"YOU ARE THE WORST DATE EVER"
The Plan: "Paintball is fun!"
Result: You are shooting your girlfriend!
4.) The Movies
The Plan: It's the movies! A generic first-date choice, where you're together in a dark room with something to hold your attention. Nothing can go wrong.
Result #1: You pick Le French Conversation About Le Feelings. After the fourth scene where someone stares longingly at a sunset without saying or doing anything whatsoever, your date excuses himself to the bathroom, clambers out the window, and escapes through a field, running far away from your horrible movie.
Result #2: He picks The Attack Of The Murder Explosion. After the third time a hapless bystander is decapitated with a garden rake, he turns to you to confirm how awesome it was. You are dead, from his terrible movie.
5.) Family Dinner
The Plan: "My family is totally normal, at least to me! My girlfriend will enjoy meeting them."
Result: Your mom welcomes your date to your home, whereupon your date exclaims "I HATE THESE STUPID PEAS, LET'S ARGUE ABOUT POLITICS," and by the end of the night he has concluded that your date is a communist. This happens after your grandma wanders in and mistakes your date for you, but before your date is mauled by your dog, whose only other contribution to the evening is to bark and poop.
6.) The Mall
The Plan: "The mall contains things we both enjoy! Nothing beats the mall."
Result: You like hundred-dollar underpants and he likes video games about killing a zombie with a motorcycle. You enjoy shopping for its own sake; he only came here to purchase Motocycle vs. The Zombies. The entire day only serves to highlight your vast differences. By the end of the afternoon you just want to kill him, and he just wants to kill a zombie with a motorcycle.
7.) "Let's just... I dunno... what do you want to do?"
The Plan: You don't know what you want to do.
Result: Nobody knows what you want to do. You are a lazy enigma.
What's the worst place you've ever been on a date?
Related post: How to Navigate the End of a Date