For the uninitiated, a coffee shop can be a daunting place. In the days before our full-blown caffeine addiction, we ourselves used to cower in the dark doorway of our local coffee shop, peering into the windows and trying to decipher the strange language everyone was speaking. Skinny venti mochachino whahaha? Then we drank the Kool-Aid, or rather the double espresso. Now coffee is our milieu and coffee shops are our happy place.
For those of you still boggled by coffee culture, we offer a primer. No more breaking out into a stammering cold sweat when you get up to the Starbucks counter with ten people behind you.
Tall: Small buzz.
Grande: Medium buzzzz; pronounced grawn-day.
Venti: Large buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Light roast: Introductory coffee.
Medium roast: Normal coffee.
Dark roast: Diesel coffee.
Espresso: Coffee on steroids that lets you pretend you're European; not pronounced expresso. Repeat: not pronounced ex-presso!
Latte: Espresso with lots of steamed milk and a little foam; coffee for people who don't like coffee.
Vanilla latte: A latte with vanilla syrup; coffee for people who really don't like coffee.
Cappuccino: Espresso with a little steamed milk and lots of foam; the mustache-maker.
Mocha: A cappuccino or latte with chocolate syrup or powder; a legal drug.
Café au Lait: A cheap latte (regular coffee with steamed milk); the color of Lady Marmalade's skin.
Frappuccino: A concerted effort to follow your sugar shock with a caffeine rush; blended coffee, ice, and flavored syrup; a Starbucks-trademarked portmanteau of frappé (a Greek iced coffee drink) and cappuccino.
Skinny/Non-fat: Made with skim milk (maybe, if they have it, you'll never know for sure).
Pumpkin Spice Latte: A gift from the angels. Shhh. Don’t ask for nutritional information. Just enjoy.
Decaff: Coffee for wusses and your parents after 4pm.
Barista: The cute guy/girl you get to flirt with as you order your coffee.
Gas station coffee: Jet fuel. There is a chance cars will run on in this stuff one day.
How do you take your coffee?
Related post: Signs You've Had Too Much Caffeine
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