Last week, I gave you the best gift you've ever received: a guided tour of my love life, which, much like Mordor, is a barren wasteland riddled with fire, ash, and tiny, shoeless men. (Only one sentence in and already an LOTR reference! Things are off to a crackling start!) This week, another gift awaits you: it's time for the first official installment of He's Just Not That Into You: Chelsea Dagger's Sad, Sad Attempts to Wrangle Affection Out of Dudes. Today, I'll be blogging the introduction of this no-holds-barred (read: bleak and soul-crushing) guide to dating, which, in only 6 pages, managed to both infuriate and devastate me (much like Chapter 31 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. (Damn you, Fred Weasley! Damn you for breaking my heart!)) Before we get started, I have one question to ask you: Are you frightened? WELL YOU AIN'T NEARLY FRIGHTENED ENOUGH.
This book has two authors: Greg Behrendt (who looks like an unmitigated tool) and Liz Tuccilo (I can't think of anything funny to say about her). Greg and Liz met in the writers' room of Sex and the City, where a coworker was asking for advice on her current dating situation (a guy took her out, kissed her goodbye, then didn't contact her for a week, at which point he said "Why haven't I heard from you?"). According to Liz, the women in the room, "after much analysis and debate, concluded that she was fabulous, that he must be scared, he's never met a woman as great as her, he is intimidated, and she should just give him time." But Greg had a different take: "He's just not that into you," he said.
WHOA, GREG. PUMP THE BRAKES. (If you guys get tired of my capital-letter tirades, just let me know, and I'll totally KEEP DOING THEM FOREVER.) At this point, I thought to myself, "Greg is an ass. He has no idea what he's talking about. Your hair looks like uncooked spaghetti, Greg." And I figured that Liz would be on my side—but she WASN'T. In fact, she agreed with Greg, saying "All these years I'd been complaining about men and their mixed messages; now I saw that they weren't mixed messages at all. I was the one who was mixed up. Because the fact was, these men had simply not been into me."
HOLD UP. To me, that sounds an awful lot like saying "Every relationship I've ever had has failed because none of the guys I was with really liked me." Is that what she's saying? Because that is HORRIFYING. I'm not sure whether it's horrifying because it might be true, or because it seems like a hugely self-loathing theory that places all the blame squarely on the shoulders of us gals, but either way, I just don't dig it.
Greg explains the mantra a little further: "When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his hands or eyes off you." Okay, that might be true, and it certainly sounds nice—but aren't we forgetting about THE SHY GUYS? What about guys who think that asking "Can I maybe ask you for help with my AP Euro essay?" counts as flirting? What about all the sweet, awkward dorks who aren't really sure how to approach the object of their affection, because they're afraid they'll do or say the wrong thing? ARE THOSE GUYS A MYTH, GREG? ARE THEY? OR ARE THEY FLESH AND BLOOD, AS REAL AS YOU OR I?
"Look, I'm not a doctor." (Greg actually says that in his introduction. I really wanted to take it out of context and use it to make him look like a butt. SUCCESS!)
Greg is not a doctor (THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING, GREG), but he is "an expert that should be listened to, because of one very important thing: I'm a guy...I know how a guy thinks, feels, and acts, and it's my responsibility to tell you who we really are."
Butts, is it me, or did Greg just make himself our Gandalf? I think he did. I think he decided that because he's a dude, he gets to step into the shoes of our fearless, bearded leader, the most righteous wizard of all time (sorry Dumbledore, but you never defeated a giant fire monster from hell), and guide us on a daunting journey of dating. Maybe I'd be willing to give him a shot, if he hadn't ended his introduction with the phrase: "Don't waste the pretty!"
Really, Greg? Really? THAT'S the speech we get before heading off into the great unknown? THAT'S how you rally the troops before they march out across miles of festering swampland? THAT's your attempt at a Samwise Gamgee Inspirational Moment? LAME, GREG. LAME. Next chapter, you better bring your A game, or I am pushing you off a bridge.
Prediction: "He's just not that into you" will soon become a phrase you dread. You will dry-heave and reflexively protect your chest cavity at the sight of it. It will be the answer to every question, from "Mom, can we have beef pudding for second breakfast?" to "DARREN CRISS WHY DON'T YOU EVER RESPOND TO THE LOVE LETTERS I WRITE IN SYRUP ON THE WINDSHIELD OF YOUR CAR?"
Also, you will begin to wish that capital letters had never been invented, BUT UNLESS YOU BUILD A TIME MACHINE, THERE'S NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
The Lesson We Learned from This Chapter: Greg sucks. Also, Greg wants to convince us that he's Gandalf. Not with ten thousand men could you do this, Greg. It is folly.
What do you guys think—are Greg and Liz on the right track? Is Chelsea Dagger so blinded by her own stupidity that she can't see the truth? Do you have any suggestions for this series, or anything you'd like to see in the next column? And lastly, who would win in a fight to the death: Dumbledore or Gandalf?
Related post: He's Just Not That Into You
Image credit: http://images.wikia.com/lotr/images/6/6a/Mordor.png
Post a comment!