Dear Auntie,
I am hoping you can help me settle a problem with a girl who used to be my friend, but now she treats me like crap.
Things turned for the worse in sophomore year, when I thought we were getting along, and I built a crush for her. I told her how I felt near the end of the year in a note, and she turned me down because she was secretly dating another dude. This dude has a rep for being kind of a d-bag. I thought she was funny and I genuinely liked her, and I was surprised that this seemingly down-to-earth girl had a thing for Mister Tool here. But I knew I had to move on, with the situation being really awkward, and now I think I'm pretty much over her.
But it's now junior year, and she's been acting quite rudely to me. In the class we have together, she always tells me to put away the textbook she uses back onto the shelf, since I sit next to it. She always tosses the thing to me and expects me to pick it up when I sometimes drop it. A week ago, she pushed me out of the doorway because "I was walking too slow," and whenever we're near each other, she simply refuses to talk or even make eye contact with me. I may be over-reading this, but I think she's nervous when she's near me. And personally, I don't think she's taking this thing too well.
What I'm asking for is how to set some guidelines, since she really doesn't know how to express her emotions politely. How come she can't be more friendly and mature about this? Why is she so unwilling to make amends?
Why? I dunno! Because alas, Sparkler, I do not read minds. But if I had to guess, I'd say that your ladyfriend's obnoxiousness stems from one of two causes. Either:
A) She thinks you're still holding a torch for her, and her rudeness is part of a ham-handed attempt to discourage any continued crushing on your part, or...
B) Last year, when you found out that she was secretly coupled-up with another guy, you actually called her boyfriend "Mister Tool." Out loud. To her face.
If it's the latter, then she's, y'know, probably kind of still angry at you. And not exactly without cause, since a rude and judgmental reaction to what sounds like a pretty polite rejection wasn't your finest moment. So if you did disparage her taste in dudes, then you need to apologize. (Although once you do, feel free to also privately give yourself a pat on the back for making Auntie SparkNotes laugh so hard that she snorted coffee out of her nose, because HAHAHAHA. Mister Tool!!!)
And if it's the former? Then take a deep breath and hike up your Confidence Pants, 'cause you're about to commit an Uncomfortable Act of Maturity.
Basically, it's time for a talk: one in which you let your friend know, politely but directly, that you couldn't help noticing that she seems uncomfortable around you. (I know, I know; it's not so much "uncomfortable" as "really flippin' rude," but we're going to be classy about it.) And then, tell her that a) you haven't been interested in her romantically for quite awhile now, but b) you do value your friendship, so c) you're hoping that this clears the air so that things can go back to normal.
And then—and this is key—continue to act exactly the same. Or rather, exactly the same but minus any lingering animosity over the fact that she turned you down. Because let's be real, if I can tell that you're still peeved about that, then so can she. And if you really want to be friends again, everyone's gotta drop their grudges.
Of course, there's also a chance that despite your best efforts, she won't drop hers—whether it's because she's too immature to deal with the awkwardness that comes from palling around with someone who once liked her, or because your behavior over the past year has driven a wedge between you, or (most likely) some combination of the two that may or may not resolve itself in time. And sometimes, a really big rift—the no-talking, no-texting, pretending-the-other-person-doesn't-exist-for-a-year kind of rift -- can be the thing that ultimately lets you be friends again, by giving you both the time and distance to recover, reboot, and eventually re-get-to-know each other without the shadow of long-ago conflicts hanging over your relationship.
...Or maybe you'll just hate each other forever. (Because in addition to not reading minds, I also suck at predicting the future.) But what's important is this: if you can't reconnect, and if she continues to treat you in a way you don't like, then don't be afraid to quietly drop her and move on. Because, as is so often said 'round these parts, you can't make someone be more friendly, more mature, or more willing to scrap her awkward behavior in favor of a comfortable friendship. You can only decide whether or not the friendship is worth it—and if it's not, to make a graceful exit and find some better friends.
But not before telling her to put away her own gee-dee textbook from now on.
I mean, really.
Have you ever confessed your crush on a friend, only to end up wading through gobs of awkwardness? Tell us how you handled it! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Crush, the Aftermath
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