Dear Jono,
My problem is pretty generic but I thought you could help me out here. I'm a sophomore in high school, and I've never had a boyfriend, and I'd really like some opposite-sex romantic action goin' on, but I seem to keep messing things up. I'm a bit of a nerd and I can be awkward, but I think that I have some redeeming qualities, so it is not like I am a swamp monster and very infrequently do I quote entire scenes from Star Wars. (I am learning to suppress this habit.) I don't really know if I am just picking the bad ones but, for example, with the last boy that I was interested in, we went on a sort-of date over the summer and at the end he said "I had fun and I'd really like to see you again" with a smile, so I thought that I had done everything right, but then two days later he started ignoring my texts and now that we're in school if we ever make eye contact he gives me disgusted looks and has given me no clue as to why this is happening. My more-experienced girly friends have told me that guys will act aloof to seem cool but I feel like this is just him saying "I don't like you at all ew."
So, I have two questions, really: How do I find the good ones? And, What are the main DOs and DON'Ts of the courting process so I don't mess everything up and end up confused?
If it makes you feel any better, high school relationships are like protractors: confusing, and pretty much useless outside of high school. And hey, I was about as dashing as Yoda in high school, and since then I have spoken to as many as two women. Obviously I'm going to offer my advice anyway; just don't assume you're missing anything mind-blowing.
As for your boy, I suspect that he has been an unintentional jerk, due to cowardice. As a fellow coward, I can totally imagine my brain meaning to say "You're great, but I don't think we're right for each other," and my mouth going "YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE I LOVE YOU," after which I would run away forever and respond to texts with the message "Jono is not available to go on a date because he is dead."
His "I'd really like to see you again" was probably just a Mouth Accident, like when you're going on vacation and someone says "Have fun visiting Utah's Largest Yarn Ball!" and you say "You too!" and then you both just stand there, your stupid reply hanging pointlessly in the air. I think you're right that his behavior isn't aloof-coolness. Aloof-coolness is like "Oh hey, I'd love to hang out, but there are just so many ladies flying at me from all angles, like springy snakes from a can of mixed nuts," not looking at you like you are a mole person. So forget about him and let's just move on.
"How do I find the good ones?"
I've said this before, but the most important thing (to me) is finding common ground. Hannibal Lecter once said that we covet what we see every day, which is a a very insightful observation. Then he ate a dude. Which I suppose was not as helpful. The point is that crushes are often just insubstantial attractions that happen in passing, but actionable relationships come from hanging around people until two of you start to know and like each other. Being a nerd helps you here!
One of the only guaranteed ways to hit it off with a guy, other than inconspicuously handing him your underpants and a map to your house, is to share his (nerdy) interests. Of course, the fact that you both know Han Solo shot first doesn't guarantee he's one of the "good ones," necessarily; just that you have a better chance of success with him than you would with some football golem, who would simply pound his meaty fists against his head in frustration because he couldn't understand what you were talking about.
I wish I had more to give you, but after having stuff in common and giving him a sweep with your sleazeball detector, the next step is just to do what you did. You gave him a trial run with a semi-date, and he turned out to be a a big dumb loser baby with a lame face that stinks. Now you know he's not one of the good ones and you move on.
"What are the main DOs and DON'Ts of the courting process?"
The basic process is pretty straightforward, so I'll go over some of the other stuff to keep in mind.
DO smile.
See if you can spot the difference between these two images.
That's right: they're exactly the same, except that the person in the first image is smiling.
DON'T come on too strong.
At first, dating is very similar to just making new friends. Take it slow. If you're basically in love with a guy, and you say "I am basically in love with you, guy," he will literally climb into a catapult and fling himself over the horizon to get away from you.
DO keep conversations going.
Conversation is a two-way street, one filled with potholes of silence, and trafficked by, um... buses of awkwardness. Okay, forget it, but my point is that it takes both people to keep a conversation going. Ideally all conversation would be fun and exciting, but it's better to ask him to expound on his terrible story about corn than it is to say "Oh." and have both of you just sit there in silence, wanting to punch each other.
DON'T fake who you are.
At the same time, don't be all insincere and fawning just for the sake of conversation. ("Your theory that moon people control our brains is interesting, please tell me more!") Because where will that get you? Probably dead in a basement.
DO keep trying.
Occasionally you will ask someone out and he will laugh in your face and bop you over the head with a mallet. Don't get discouraged! I know you said you are not a swamp monster, but sometimes, Sparkler, we are all swamp monsters.
DON'T do anything you're uncomfortable with.
Of course you know what I'm talking about here. That's right: hunting ghosts. Those people on TV are professionals; don't go try it yourself or you will get eaten by a ghost. (But seriously, never feel pressured into anything. This is basically the Relationships Practice Round part of your life, and it's certainly not worth doing anything you'd regret.)
Any other DOs and DON'Ts you'd like to add? What should LW do next?
Related post: Dating 101
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