Avada Kedavra (If You're Not Singing That, You're Doin' it Wrong)

Deadly and Boring

By Contributor

October 19, 2011

Scott-Free agrees with The Rules...again? Should we be worried? —Sparkitors

Rule #19: Don't Open Up Too Fast.

"Dating is not therapy." "Women tend to overdo it on first dates, bringing up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem—all in an attempt to bond with this new man. This is deadly and boring."

Ooh, deadly and boring. Not many things in the natural world are both of those. I can think of many things that are one, or the other, but few that are both.

Deadly Things

Small scorpions
Dumbo's mother
The Knife-Gun
Three-headed shark
Forbidden love
Sauron's grabby hands
Three-headed lion
Moldy bagels
Ignorance of the law
Scarlett Johanssen in spandex
Three-headed raccoon

Boring Things

Pre-Calc
Both movie versions of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"
Relient K
Oil paintings
Olive oil
Changing your car's oil
Oil
The movie Australia
Yoga workout videos
Three-headed anteater

Deadly and Boring Things

Oil spills
Ceiling fans with serrated blades
The country Australia
Opening up too fast to your date

As you can see, there are few things that fit into both territories, but according to E-Fein and Shusher, opening up too fast is one of those things. (Though I bet neither of them have ever been thrown at a serrated ceiling fan in Australia. That's the type of thing only a Category C man would survive.)

"Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic. He takes you out for a drink on your first date and to dinner on the second. He notices you only ordered club soda both times. He is about to order a bottle of wine and wants to know if you'll join him. Don't say, 'No, I never drink. I hit a terrible bottom with drugs and alcohol two years ago and now I'm sober in AA.' Just say, 'No, thanks,' and smile. After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him something like, 'I used to drink in college. It really made me sick. Now I'm in AA and I don't drink anymore. I feel better.'"

Well isn't that great, honey biscuit? (I'm not being sarcastic, I just like calling people "honey biscuit.") I wonder what would happen if E-Fein or Shusher went on a date and things didn't go the way they'd planned...

Mr. Left: So, about an adult beverage?

E-Fein: No, thanks.

Mr. Left: Why not? How about a sparkling adult beverage?

E-Fein: Um, no.

Mr. Left: Come on, why? Did you hit bottom two years ago and now you're sober in AA?

E-Fein: Why, no! What makes you think that?

Mr. Left: Believe me, honey biscuit, I've seen the look before.

E-Fein: Don't call me honey biscuit! I hate that pet name. Oh God! Forget this!

"We are not suggesting that you hide or lie about bad things in your life, just that you do not burden him with all the gory details too soon." "By the time you are engaged, he should know all that really matters about you and your family and your past. The Rules are truthful and spiritual in nature. It is morally wrong to accept an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share. Tell him these things in a calm, nondramatic manner and don't, as some women do, surprise him with these skeletons after you're married."

What's wrong with me? For the second week in a row, E-Fein and Shusher are making sense! It's not a good idea to share everything straight off—not because a good guy won't accept it and won't love you for it, but because he just doesn't need to know right away. Do you tell strangers your deepest, darkest secrets?

Rule #19: Don't Open Up Too Fast: Yeh!

E-Fein and Shusher's current score:

Yehs: 6
Hmaybes: 3
Nehs: 8

Scott-Free's DatingTip of the Week: Always have a wingman. Make sure that wingman has a knife-gun.

(Scott-Free kicks open the door to Wuthering Heights and glances around, guns and knives at the ready.)

Scott-Free: Coast is clear, Right. Just checking for any clones or groundbreaking English novelists. *twirls weapons and shoves them into utility belt*

Right: I have to ask, Free—why me? Why would you brave E-Fein and all her clones just to rescue one of her jilted lovers?

Scott-Free: *checking the cooler and pulling out some porridge* Because, Right, unlike so many of her exes, you're the Right One for Ellen, in her mind. You're a bargaining chip unlike any Lays or Dorito.

Right: Was that a bad pun?

Scott-Free: *mouth full of porridge* E-Fahn an' Shusheh's coalition ish getting shtronger! (gulp) United Rules Girls are everywhere—no debutante can be trusted! If we want to make the world safe for self-respecting single men we must do something!

Heathcliff walks in.

Heathcliff: Excuse me, what are you doing in my house with my porridge?

Scott-Free: Quick, Right! The fireplace! Before he punches us with his feet!

Should you reveal your shadowy past on the first date?

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