The SparkLife Hierarchy

The hilarious jtjuvenile breaks down our enormously complex social structure—and, unsurprisingly, Harry Potter gets the top spot. DAMN YOU, HARRY.—Sparkitors

Every community has a pecking order, be it a gathering of wild beasts or the furiously competitive social pond of hormone-bamboozled fur balls. (In the jargon of genetically-superior people like me, this just means “high school.”)

Even here at SparkLife, we have our prom queens and illiterate jocks… except that our definition of the "elite" is anyone who can spell beyond a Neanderthal level. Unlike the harsh realities of the outside world, prominence in SparkLife is not decided by how many cronies you have, but by how many fan girls are composing sonnets for you in the comments—and this post celebrates that. Here's a breakdown of the hierarchy of SparkLife:

1. Harry Potter: At times I’m glad he’s merely a fictional character, because this wonder boy has been attributed such power and influence that we would all be reduced to painful insignificance if he actually existed. And yes, I have prepared myself for the barrage of angry comments about how Harry Potter is undeniably real. I would beg for clemency, but I think I should just slowly back away and hide under a pile of chocolate frog cards.

2. Dan Bergstein: Soaring to legen-hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the next word is-dary fame after blogging about bad romances, Danny B reigns over SparkLife with hundreds of besotted females fighting for the opportunities to bake him brownies…including me. In yet another effort to rile up the masses, I’m going to add that all of us need to get a life. Whether you do so by befriending pet rocks or squirting shampoo in your eye is, sadly, up to you.

3. Sparkitors: Suffice to say that if I knew exactly where they lived, I would be stalking them on Google maps and sending them propositions about having 2,000 IQ babies named Kyle 1, Kyle 2, and Kyle 3.

4. Darren Criss: This is proof that SparkLife is dominated by females because if the demographic were more man-based, we would be swooning over Emma Watson and the size of her bosoms. Not that I’m opposed to doing that, but…

5. SparkLife Contributors: Megan Prietzel immediately comes to mind, but anyone who is funny enough to write an article that compels you to commence a Facebook stalking mission is obviously here.

6. Sparklers: It appears that the more you display Grammar Nazi tendencies, the more valued you are. Needless to say, I adopt a kitten every time I come across a comment that denounces inaccurate usage of the words “you’re” and “your.”

7. Twilight/Justin Bieber/Rebecca Black: It doesn’t take much skill to observe that the majority of us are unanimous in our opinion that anything with lame metaphors, hairspray issues, and a disturbingly stunted vocabulary must be avoided at all costs.

We would totes put Sparklers FIRST on this list, and then we would give them a trophy made of icing, and then we would shower them with puppies and waffles. WE LURVE YOU BUTTS. Did jtjuvenile miss any levels of the hierarchy? Are there any rankings you want to add or rearrange?

Related post: Love SparkLife? Check out SparkLife Academy!