jtjuvenile is an expert at seduction—sort of.—Sparkitors
I would first like to point out that I’ve managed to squeeze a tetra-syllabic word into the title of this post. And yes, I’m going to use that fact to convince you that I am worthy of writing about this topic, even though all my romantic experiences thus far have ended with a restraining order and an allowance cut.
By using the following flirtation methods, anyone can inveigle themselves into their crush's heart. In short, I’m here to save the world and increase the chances of your failure by 35.67%.
You’re welcome.
Approach 1: Insults. We all know that playing hard to get—which consists of flailing your arms and screaming “I would rather digest a fermented donut than date you because your [CENSORED] is [CENSORED]”—does not work, so we’ll have to settle for the less extreme and more complicated version known as “pretending to play hard to get, but not really.”
Basically, it’s just haughty condescension without any allusions to fermented donuts or aesthetically unpleasing genitals.
Example: “You do know that I’m only talking to you because I’m a functioning member of society and I’m supposed to converse with at least two people every day, right? Totally not talking to you because I want to make out with your face. Really.”
Approach 2: Sarcastic Self-promotion. Carefully pepper every other sentence with a subtle ego boost. If he’s even marginally aware of societal norms, he will play along by agreeing with your high opinion of yourself. Reciprocate with equally outrageous compliments and a means of contacting you.
Girl: “Nice shoes. I’m lying—I hate purple.”
Guy: “That’s so mean!”
Girl: “Oh, please. I memorized the quadratic equation when I was twelve and I have a mildly attractive face. I can get away with anything.”
Guy: “Oh, of course. Yes, you’re beautiful. Totally.”
Girl: “Thank you, thank you. Can I reward you with my number?”
Approach 3: Self-demotion. No one can resist a friendless kitten, so likening yourself to one is the best way to get the opposite sex interested. Of course, if you're male, doing so will probably land you in the potentially disastrous man-poodle situation, which can only lead to a lifetime of platonic BFF-ships.
If you're a girl, whining about your undesirability is a sign that you are begging for compliments, and unless the guy is a neophyte, he’ll recognize immediately that you’re flirting. So…get creative, ladies.
Example: You: “My clavicle looks like Spongebob’s nose.”
Him: "Your clavicle is a miracle of modern science. You want to go play laser tag with me?"
Approach 4: Conditioning. Using rabid Chihuahuas, scientists have proven that offering a reward for good behavior will gradually train an animal to demonstrate such behavior all the time. Sixth grade teachers have proven that as long as you allow students to choose a smiley sticker each time they hand in their homework, they will not revolt.
I have no idea where I’m going with this theory, but I guess it would be advisable to start bringing tins of dog treats and plenty of stickers to school.
FANTASTIC tips. What are your foolproof flirting techniques? Please, if you have 'em, share 'em. We're in DESPERATE need.
Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: How to Flirt, the Final Frontier
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