How to Be a Villainaire

exceptionordinary's post made us feel ten times more like a Villainaire...the only problem is, we're still not sure what a Villainaire is.—Sparkitors

We all love the bad guys in films and stories, right? We stare at them for hours, we sing songs about them, we stick their photos on our walls; basically, we long to be them (or is that just me?).  Many people have tried to write authoritative guides on how to become a villain, but all have failed. But there is hope, Sparklers! I, Exceptionordinary, am proud to declare that I have discovered the five simple steps guaranteed to make you into a Villainaire.

Step1: Change your name. No one’s going to bow to your evil whims if you tell them that your name’s Penelope, or Steve. So you must change your name, and quick! I suggest you choose a name beginning with the letter  V. Choose from this list: Voldemort, Victoria, Volturi, or Volume. If you can’t choose, use the name that I’ve chosen for you: Nightnight. Why? Because it’s a frighteningly dark name, obviously.

Step 2: Get taller. If you’re already ridiculously tall, then kudos to you! For the rest of us, there's a backup plan: we’re going to get ourselves adopted by giants! You see, I’ve worked out that there is a -999987657654321% chance that we will inherit our new giant parents’ height if we get adopted. So there’s still hope. Kind of.

Step3: Eat pancakes. Because Dan Bergstein loves pancakes, and anything Dan loves is proven to make you more successful.

Step 4: Paint your walls white. Because white equals snow equals winter equals a villain’s favorite season, and being surrounded by winter will put you in the ultimate evil mood. So get cracking with that paint brush—and don’t even try to claim that your walls are already white! They can always be whiter. I’ll be watching you.

Step5: Disguise as grannies/old women. The mega-bad wolf from Little Red Riding Hood knows this technique all too well. Acting in disguise is a favorite tactic of many villains—take, for example, Nagini, who took the form of Bathilda Bagshot. Everybody trusts old ladies. (A word of precaution: keep your distance the next time you see your "grandmother.")

TA-DA! You are now a super villainaire. Go out and do bad things!

Do you feel evil yet? Does being a villainaire involve somehow getting millions of dollars? We sort of thought it might.

Related Post: How to Become the Next Tween Heartthrob

Wanna write for SparkLife? Read this first!