How to Make History
Flyergirl13 tells you how to become the next Abe Lincoln. Only, you know, minus the assassination.—Sparkitors
There are a few things you need to know about history. First, I love it. APUSH, AP World all the way. Second, it's very long, with a lot of random names, dates, and ideas that don't have much revalence to today. Do you really need to know all of Wilson's Fourteen Points? Will they help you in Call of Duty? No.
But history is happening every day. See, in the time you were reading this, things happened. I don't know what, but they happened. Pretty exciting stuff. Look! Now more things have happened!
By this point in my post, you've probably realized that you want to be remembered forever, tediously studied by small children reading large textbooks. And I can help. Basically, the way to make history is to make things happen. Easy? Maybe.
Step One: Ace History Class. Do you think that FDR and Attila the Hun skipped out on their history classes? No, of course not. In order to make history, you've got to know history. Everyone knows how Attila would raid some villages, cut off some heads, burn some people to death, then relax in his little hut reading Plato by candlelight. It's true.
DO: Memorize every single name and date pertaining to every major event since before the Mesoptamians. This includes the day when the first humans created fire (September 29, 77247 BCE) or the Haymarket Square Riot (May 4, 1886). Commit these to memory. Now.
DON'T: Analyze the big picture ideas or anything silly like that. Everyone knows that you'll never understand history unless you can recite every single Roman emperor, ever.
Step Two: Find a Cause. Every historical hero (or villian) has something they want. With Aristotle it was equality and logic, with Oliver Cromwell it was dictatorial power, and with Milliard Fillmore it was....well, who cares what Milliard Fillmore did. Basically, historical figures have this in common: they had goals.
DO: Find something you love. Whether it be making compromise (Henry Clay), saving your city (Hannibal) or just killing people to get rich (Edward Teach/Blackbeard), identify your passion and do it well.
DON'T: Do something stupid like be passionate about finding new trade routes, and be so pathetic that you end up on the other side of the planet surrounded by unknown natives.
Step Three: Do Something Noteworthy. Name one person wh0 was remembered for not doing anything. Besides the "Forgettable Presidents" of the Gilded Age. They don't count.
DO: Be weird and crazy and stand out from the crowd. We awesome, unique people are the ones who make history!
DON'T: Be afraid to be different.
Step Four: Try Again. So what if the rebellion you were trying to incite failed? So what if you didn't manage to bravely win against the opposing army's champion? You can always try again. If you're still alive.
DO: Start with smaller history-making projects that are generally not life-threatening. This way, if it takes a few attempts, you're not, ya know, dead, and you can try again.
DON'T: Be like Lincoln. Sure, he was a cool dude, but he was a Failure with a capital F until he became president. I mean, it's fine to have a few mess-ups, but you're all bright people. You should be able to get the hang of it better than him.
Okay, spill: what are your history-makin' plans? Ours involve a rocket made of potatoes and a very large can of gasoline.
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