How to Watch a Horror Movie (When You Are a Complete Wimp)

If you're going to follow one rule in your life, ever, we think you should follow SunBrightSparrow's #7. –Sparkitors

I do not do well with scary movies. However, I also happen to love things that are scary, like Halloween, non-sparkly vampires, and Mamma Mia. But straight-up horror movies? They stress me out. I watch them in complete tense stillness, ready to flinch away whenever…really, whenever anything happens. But like a lot of other horror movie wimps (probably), I have friends who love horror movies. And when they tell me a movie is good, they are, unfortunately, usually right. So how do I get through one without hiding under the couch with a flashlight and a blankie? Glad you asked:

1. DO NOT WATCH SCARY MOVIES ALONE. When I'm alone, even the dumbest, oldest, cheesiest, that-is-clearly-jam-not-blood movies freak me out. So, the more people you watch with, the better—there’s a good chance you'll just talk through the entire thing! Also, it’s better to have a crowd of people between you and the door, because they'll be killed first when the chainsaw-wielding clown shows up. (And you know it will.)

2. Watch with someone who has already seen it. They'll know when a scary thing's about to happen and can warn you  to close your eyes, ears, and mouth (so you don't scream and scare yourself). When the music goes dun-dun-dun-DIIIIIIIEEEEEUUUNNNN, you can ask whether you're being psyched out or warned that something horrible is about to happen. Of course, this method isn't entirely foolproof:

Me: *Hiding under pillow* There goes the music! Is something gonna happen? Issomethinggonnahappen??
Friend: Ummm…maybe. I don’t remember.
Me: If it was really horrible, you would remember! I’ll just wait and—AAACKKK!
Friend: Sorry.

3. Watch with a fellow weenie. Misery loves company, amirite? Ha, see what I did there? Having another terrified person there to hold your hand (and crush your hand bones) is good for two reasons: One, it makes you look tough or at least normal by comparison, and two…Come on. You know you’d want someone to hold your hand.

4. Time it right. The earlier in the day the better. In the daylight, that noise is just a leaf blowing in the wind. At night, IT IS THE SEVERED HAND OF AN AXE MURDERER SLOWLY DRAGGING ITSELF TOWARD YOUR BED WHERE IT WILL CHOKE YOU AND DEVOUR YOUR SOUL. The point is, if you watch something scary in the morning, you have all day to forget about it. But if you watch it late at night, and right afterward you try to  sleep…well, you know. Watch out for possessed axe-murderer hands.

5. Know your weak spots. For example, I can handle the sight of blood, but other types of movies still freak me out. Therefore, if you’re afraid of zombies, but don't mind ghosts, save Dawn of the Dead for breakfast watching, and The Sixth Sense for just before bed.

6. If you get to choose, go for suspense over horror. Suspense movies are more psychologically scary, therefore there isn't as much intestines and flesh-ripping and stuff. Unless it’s the psychological stuff that really freaks you out? In which case, reread rule #5.

7. Don’t watch The Human Centipede. Please, just don’t.

How do you survive horror movie season?

Related post: Tips for Surviving Horror Movie Situations

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