How Not To Get Someone To Like You

It’s hard to go a day without seeing an article about how to win someone’s heart. How to get the person you like to notice you, where to go on a first date, how to ask a guy or girl to prom, these are all topics as well-worn as the 1992 issue of Highlights magazine at the Dentist’s office. We’ll leave those tips to the experts, and stick with what we’ve learned through years of cringe-worthy experience: what not to do.

DO NOT behave like you are in a romantic comedy. In a movie: Oh man, Ashley hitchhiked 600 miles to my summer camp to tell me how she really feels about me. This must be love. In real live: Oh man, Ashley hitchhiked 600 miles to my summer camp to tell me how she really feels about me. RESTRAINING ORDER.

DO NOT be mean to the person you like. This is obvious, right? Wrong. Some evolutionary hiccup has ingrained in the human mind the strange idea that making someone feel bad will make them like you. In preschool we throw Play-Doh. In elementary school we chase our crushes with dog poop on a stick. Our games gets progressively meaner and less amusing in middle and high school. Don’t do this. Be different. Stand out as the nice guy. Sure, the jerk strategy works for some, but guess what, people who are attracted to jerks turn out to be terrible SOs anyway. Trust us.

DO NOT show off by performing feats of stupidity. This one is tough to resist, but it’s important to try. We know, we know, jumping off that garage into a bush at Danny’s party seemed like the pinnacle of good game at the time, but it turns out it’s not as attractive as you thought. Learning this one early can save you many lonely years of minor injuries.

DO NOT pretend to like your crush’s friend. Who hasn’t tried this approach: “Man, I’m super into Karen. Oh, I’ve got an idea; I’ll tell Karen how I think her best friend Alyssa is the hottest thing ever. That will make her like me. My plan is fool-proof. I can’t believe no one has thought of this. Stay off the phone, Mom, I’m expecting a call from the President of Awesome Plans.” This plan is stupid. Best case scenario you will marry Alyssa and live out your days working at the dumb plan factory.

DO NOT give up things that are important to you. “Oh Phillllll, of course I’ll skip covering Comic-Con for the school paper to watch your JV football game.” Gross. Don’t do this. Anyone who is impressed by you giving up on your own interests is not someone you want to be with.

DO NOT worry if they don’t like you back. This last one is a little off topic, but crazy important. The girl or guy you are into doesn’t like you back. Bummer. You know who else this has happened to? Everyone. Every single person that has ever lived. Welcome to being a person. It’s fine. Wait awhile, listen to sad music if that’s your thing, everything will be fine.

Do you guys have any hard-learned tips for us and each other?

Related post: The Three-Day Crush