How To Navigate the End of a Date

The hilarious RunsWithScissors09 tells you how to survive the tricky territory at the end of a first date—and her tips are so right that it's scary.—Sparkitors

Ah, the first date. You’re dizzy from hormones, or maybe just too much hairspray. The evening is almost over and you’ve somehow managed to avoid all the major awkward landmines. Sure, you two lovebirds stumbled into a few trenches of toe-curling silences, but you resisted the temptation to tackle your date as a conversation starter.

You’re about to emerge from the fog mostly unscathed, with one final battle ahead: the question of the kiss. Mankind has built trains that go faster than bullets and merged a spoon and fork to create the most glorious utensil ever, but the end of a date has puzzled experts for years.

If you had a great time and a kiss is one hundred percent guaranteed, then good for you. For your next romantic outing, may I suggest running into a concrete wall? If you’re a mere mortal who is too busy trying to think of arm positions that hide your pit stains to bother faking interest in your date’s pager collection, here are some tips to help you figure out what to do on the porch. Note: while these pointers are written for someone who is dating a guy; the roles can easily be reversed.

Pay attention to body language: If your gentleman caller avoids eye contact, exhales deeply (like an exasperated or impatient sigh) and drums his fingers against the table, he’s probably not super-psyched to be with you. Of course, there is always the chance that he's recovering from a lobotomy. Especially if he expresses admiration for Justin Bieber.

Either way, some dates are less exciting than a lecture on metaphysics. If this is the case, a quick hug will suffice when he drops you off. You can even stick your butt out so you two barely have to touch.

However, if he exhibits any of the following behavior, then congratulations: you have a whole new ambiguous swamp through which to muddle.

• Asks for gum after dinner
• Does the ol’ wraparound with his arm
• Says he’s glad you two “did this” before he drops you off
• The time interval between each of his blinks implies that he does not think you’re fat
• Does not pretend to choke on his soup as an excuse to end the date early

Establish eye contact: The conversation is dwindling and there’s always the chance someone texted you while you were walking to your porch. Resist the urge to examine your phone. Look into your date’s eyes and pretend to be intrigued by the light bulb reflected in his glasses. Now you guys are locked in a staring contest. The first person to move risks severe emotional trauma.

The lean: Now everything’s about to get Real. Moving in to initiate the kiss used to be the guy’s responsibility, but now Third Wave Feminism says us ladies can do it too. Especially if the man just stands there hunched like a scarecrow. So you better get to leaning. Note: you can move your whole body forward instead of just craning your neck like a chicken bobbing for seeds.

Going in for the kill: At this point, you’re wishing you wouldn’t have forged all those doctor notes to get out of gym class. Coordination is key. Landing on your date’s lips is like docking a space shuttle. Try to keep your eyes open until you almost make contact. This reduces the risk of missing the target completely and flipping over the porch railing into the bushes. At this point your date should be moving closer to you as well. If his eyes widen and he backs way in fear, then abort your mission and let him stumble backwards over the railing. However, if he responds to your advances, then you’re welcome. I know it’s tempting to think of me in gratitude while you smooch, but please, just post a comment instead.

We WISH we had had this guide in high school. Or last weekend. Got any more tips for navigating the end of a date?

Related post: How to Deal With Unexpected First Date Questions