Elodie's Comprehensive Guide of Things NOT To Do When Flirting With Guys

Before I dive straight in, I’m thinking once a month I’ll dabble in the realm of storytelling. I’ve got some pretty juicy ones stashed away (and by “juicy” I basically mean “cringe-worthy and hilarious”). So, which would you guys rather hear about?

1. The time I stapled myself in the hand
2. The first time I got pulled over
3. The time I met Jared Padalecki (Dean from Gilmore Girls) and he tried to strangle me with my scarf

Anyway! Pending the promise of one of those gems, allow me to share some wisdom. The Internet is overflowing with how-to guides detailing what you should do if you want to win over that special someone. The following are examples of how NOT to wow members of the opposite sex, because I think that’s just as important.

Example #1: Breakfast. So there I was, crawling into the dining hall (in a totally sexy manner) and basically clinging to the few hours of sleep I’d gotten the night before. I threw some eggs, cereal, and French Toast together into a really gross heap of syrupy grossness. My hair was all over the place. I’m pretty sure my shirt was on backwards. Now that you’ve got that image in your mind, cue the cute boy. I saw him, and he saw me, and he was eating alone, and I was a hot mess, and I heard the warning signs (stop! Don’t sit with him! Turn around! The potential for awkward conversation is off the charts!) but we had already established eye contact, and it was too late. I jolted forward and practically threw my plate down on the table.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hey,” he said.

I stared at the wholly unappetizing breakfast before me.

“How’s it going?” he asked, after a few eons of silence.

I forced down some scrambled eggs. By now they were drenched in syrup, and I have this thing about my food mixing (Thanksgiving is a disaster unto itself), but I tried to ignore it. “Um,” I said. “Well… it’s going.” Suave.

“Finish that paper yet?” he asked.

I answered in the affirmative, because I had finished the paper, and he might have been suitably impressed if I hadn’t completely screwed up the words beyond all reasonable understanding. Think Harry’s train wreck of a Yule Ball proposal: “Wangoballwime?” Now triple the awkwardness, because I proceeded to look at him expectantly like what I said made perfect sense.

He looked confused. “Sorry?”

That’s when I choked on my eggs, and the conversation never really got back on track.

Example #2: The Elevator. This one involves a different guy. Let’s call him Aaron. He’s cute, we have a class together, and we live on the same floor. He and my good friend Kat may or may not be embroiled in a passionate flirting affair, but c’mon. He’s still cute. We had never spoken before, but he finally breached the conversational wall between us while we were waiting for the elevator: “These things take forever, don’t they?”

Now, 90% of elevator conversations involve talking about how slow the elevators are. I said, “Yeah. God, they’re slow,” and he said, “I know,” and I said, “Yeah,” and then we got on the elevator in silence. We had a few floors to go, so there was still a chance I could come across as witty and charming and give a reasonably good impression—or at least there was, until the elevator jerked to a stop and I immediately started thinking things like, We’re going to die. We’re going to die. We’re going to have to take turns breathing to conserve oxygen. I started punching buttons and saying “Oh my God,” but then Aaron very kindly pointed out that someone on the second floor had called the elevator, as evidenced by the fact that the doors opened and they walked in. D’oh.

Example #3: Casual Conversation. Cue… Calvin. (You knew he was going to crop up eventually.) He always seems to catch me when I’m practically sleepwalking. I was walking to my professor’s office when I heard, “Hey!” I turned around. It could have been Tish. It could’ve been Kat. It could’ve been Marie. With any of them, I could have said something like, “I’m going to have to ask you to punch me in the face or I might lapse into a coma.” I suppose I could have said that to Calvin, but he does this thing where he smiles and I stop processing things.

“Where are you going?” he asked cheerfully.

I looked at him for a moment like he’d asked a question I wasn’t prepared for, and I remember thinking, I should say something brilliant right… about… now. Or… now. Now? Hello, brilliant conversational powers that be? Anyone there? No? I’m on my own?

“That way,” I said shortly, pointing, with all the wit and charm of a really, really socially underdeveloped caveman who communicates via grunts and gestures. And then we parted ways, so I'm glad he'll have that on the mind the next time I see him in class.

Anyway, speaking of Calvin—the Maybe Date didn’t happen. I KNOW! Disappointment. He forgot he had a previous engagement and apologized. I shrugged it off. Whatever, right? We would’ve rescheduled, but it was a once-in-a-lifetime deal that wasn’t showing again. But we’ll have other opportunities.

Besides, there are always other guys I can amaze and/or frighten with my incredible (read: questionable) conversational prowess.

You may not be a conversational genius, Elodie, but you are an EXPERT at making us laugh. What's the most awkward conversation you ever had with a member of the opposite sex?

Oh, and don't forget to tell Elodie what incident you want to hear about next week; the choices are: 1. the time she stapled her own hand, 2. the first time she got pulled over, and 3. the time she met JARED PADALECKI. (PICK 3 PICK 3 PICK 3!)

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