Our Fantastical Fantasy Football Team

If football season means lounging on the couch watching Tom Selleck's mustache on "Blue Bloods" instead of actually going to games, congratulations. You are not a football fan. But have you heard of these Fantasy Football leagues out there? People are doing them. And although at first it sounds fun, involving unicorns and magic, it's really just like TV football—same jocks straps, same long snappers—but it's fake. But why would anyone do that? You may wonder. Don't even go there because nobody actually knows. It's best to be prepared with your team picks, should anyone ask you to join their Fantasy Football league. You'll need a quarterback, running back, wide receiver, coach, and cheerleader. Your football-savvy friends will probably pick people like Brad, Tom or Manning, Peyton (the first names that pop up in search if you google "who are the guys who play in the NFL?"). But it's fantasy football, right? Shouldn't you get to pick any players? Here's a team of totally awesome, totally fictional players, and though you won't see them flea flickering the bootleg, you have to admit they would beat any for-realz team.

Cheerleader: Betty Draper, Mad Men

Betty Draper has that icy edge that all cheerleaders need. She's a trophy willing to slap people around. And she's really hot, so she would be able to distract the other team. She's not your typical rah-rah-rahist—she might not really be able to rally the troops. But some teams are so awesome they don't need to be rallied. (This team, for example.)

Quarterback: Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story

Buzz Lightyear, like many quarterbacks, is fast, determined, and likes to wear tight white pants. Unlike most quarter backs, he can fly, making him automatically superior to his competition. Plus, he's totally marketable (you don't have to know jack about football to know that "to infinite and beyond!" is a totally legit thing to yell at a game) and he'd be a likeable face of the franchise. He might not be the sharpest toy in the shed, but he'll do what he's told, and he'll do it well. Plus, have you see these thingeys quarter backs wear on their wrists? Buzz already has one!

Coach - Yoda, Star Wars

Yoda is the opposite of a wuss, has mad lightsaber skills, and is an excellent leader and teacher who eschews fear, hate, and anger. He's wise enough to be the Buddah or Jesus and is able to emerge victorious from any situation, no matter how dire things may seem. Remember when you were in little league and your coach told you just to try and do your best? That's what pansies say, and it's the least effective coaching method known to man. The word "try" doesn't pass through Yoda's lips unless he's telling you that just "trying" doesn't cut it.

Wide Receiver: The Flash, Flash Comics

The Flash isn't just the fastest man alive, he's such a fast thinker that other telepaths aren't quick enough to read his mind. He can lend and borrow speed, and although the invisible aura around his body probably won't be needed (Superman can't even out run him), it can't hurt. Walking through walls and time travel might not help him in a football game, but then again, might it? Those are good skills to keep in your back pocket, we think. The Flash can also speak to others in his secret, super-speed language that slow pokes can't understand, which makes him a great communicator.

Running Back: Secretariat, Secretariat

Because try tackling the greatest race horse ever.

Who's on your team? Would they beat these (fictional) all stars?

Related post: Football Terms, and How Not To Use Them