October Horoscopes

What evil awaits you during the month of fear and candy? Will this October be a time of tricks or a time of treats? Or a time to change your relationship status? And who will be your lucky ghost? Only the brave shall read what follows…

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will need to run in exactly 21,903 seconds. Better stretch. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, except for the day when something dangerous and sticky occurs during dinner. (It will happen on a Thursday.) Never lend money to a friend and never rent a friend to money. There is treasure somewhere in a ten foot radius of where you are seated. There is also a spider, so look with your eyes and not your hands or mouth. Your lucky ghost is the ghost of Yoda.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Does the phrase “Ducks can’t tell time” mean anything to do? It should. You will find the missing item when you least expect it. You will find love when you sort of expect it, but aren’t really expecting it. You will find your enemy when you most expect it. This is a great month to buy a taco but a bad month to buy rhinoceros-themed jewelry. Your lucky ghost is the ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your secret crush is, at this very moment, thinking about circles. Approach them and whisper, “Circles are the best.” They will fall in love with you and your psychic mind. Go ahead and plan the wedding, you sly dog. This is a bad month for grape shopping but a great month to buy helmets or thick hats. Stop being such a goober and wear your pants the correct way! Your lucky ghost is the ghost of Bruce Willis’ character from the hit movie The Sixth Se_se. (We used clever coding to keep this spoiler-free.)

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Now is the time to sing! But never sing adjectives or else everyone you know will get diarrhea. The answer you’re looking for can be found in the title of a Tom Hanks movie. You can’t always get what you want, unless you rub the power stone on your forehead and say the magic flavor. (The power stone is hidden in the forest, near the empty water bottle.) Shoving a llama is a temporary solution to a much larger problem. Your lucky ghost is Boo from Super Mario Bros.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Avoid open windows and salamanders. There is no right answer, but “67-degrees” is a good guess. If you dress up as a cat for Halloween this year, we will start calling you Little Lazy Stupid, and we will kidnap your grandma until you show us you can create an imaginative and original costume. This is not a horoscope prediction. It’s a promise, Little Lazy Stupid. Your lucky ghost is the ghost of Hamlet’s dad.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Break up! Unless you think that’s a bad idea. Then stay together. It’s really your decision and we should respect your privacy. Sorry. We just hate to see you get hurt. Speaking of getting hurt, wearing a thick shirt might not be a bad idea tomorrow, and if you own a falconer’s glove, use it. Find money near particles of carbon and molecules of banana. A friend whose name rhymes with “belly” will betray you. Your lucky ghost is the ghost of Michael Jackson.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Stop worrying about grades and start worrying about giants. Go ahead and buy that thing which is not purple. There is a secret message just for you encoded in the lyrics to the next Ke$ha song you hear. This month will end brilliantly, but only if avoid touching your hair for the next three hours. Failure to do so will result in pain and heartache. Your teeth are OK, but your toes are sinister. Your lucky ghost is Bloody Mary.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You can win a fight using only a napkin, but saying this will likely lead to a fight in which you will lose horribly. The Post-It note is filling your mind with half-truths! He who plays the piano will lead you to your doom… or he may lead you to love… or a shrimp basket. It’s not clear, so let us know how that works out. Your cell phone or your cybernetic arm will need to be charged at an inopportune time. Your lucky ghost is Slimer from The Ghostbusters.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Something written in green ink will fill you with joy. Something written in red ink will fill you with disdain. Something written in blue ink will make you think of sex or leopards. Something written in black ink will make you whisper, “Horses.” Something written in crayon will make you scream, “Eww!” And something written in frosting will make you say, “Dan told me this would happen.” Your lucky ghost is the vanishing hitchhiker. Oh, and your face is awesome this month.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
When in doubt, pick the purple one. There is something in your room which does not belong there and unless you remove it tonight, the rest of the month will be horrible and filled with spider wounds. This is a great month to use ramps and ropes, but a bad month for using magnesium or elaborate scissors. Don't hide your true feelings, but you should hide that picture...you know the one. Love will find you when your mouth is filled with candy or ladybugs. Your lucky ghost is Nearly Headless Nick.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Having trouble meeting new people? Make friends by becoming rich and famous. This Halloween will be wonderful and filled with romance, though you will step in vomit so don’t wear the fancy fur shoes. Be prepared to explain Donnie Darko next week. Your decision regarding tomorrow’s lunch will irrevocably alter your entire life. Don’t screw it up. Your lucky ghost is Beetlejuice.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
Love will blossom this month and you will be financially successful, but only if you invent a new dance that relies heavily on finger movement. When buying clothes, remember that this month you will look boorish in the color orange and exultant in stripes. Stealing boats is a crime, despite the dream you had. You can make three wishes this month and they will all come true, but the wishes must pertain to doorknobs. Your lucky ghost is Casper.

Who's your favorite ghost?

Related post: October Is The Best Month. Discussion Over.