Auntie SparkNotes: Bully Bully

Dear Auntie,

I have this teensy little problem that I can't easily talk to my friends or family about (gotta love them, but they can be a bit overprotective and I don't want them to be too involved in this). It involves my ex. And his girlfriend.

So, basically, there's this guy I dated in middle school and a little bit into out freshmen year (we were together for a little bit over a year when we broke up, and we're now sophomores). But this letter is less about ex bf and more about his new girlfriend, and the fact that she hates me. A lot.

I can deal with haters and obnoxious people to a point, but she takes it a bit out of my dealing-capabilities. She's spread rumors, called me out in public and calling me a coward when I didn't want to fight her, and has just been all-around...unpleasant. I've already removed myself from her company and that of my ex because I just don't like dealing with petty hs drama. Seriously, there's no point to it. You're here for four years and then you're gone. But recently, the ex has tried to re-enter my life—which I discouraged, vehemently. But his girlfirend was less than pleased, and she now tries to physically provoke me into fighting with her, she's started pushing/ramming me with her shoulders or elbows during passing period, and she told me to f**k off when a guy that I kind of like said hi to me while walking with her. (He didn't listen to her, of course, but I feel that was unwarranted.)

I don't have any intention of trying to get my ex back, and I'm not going to try to be friends with his girlfriend, but I want to try and make the animosity stop. She's making it difficult for me to walk around school by myself or with just one other person *cue: enter the entourage of bullies*. Is there anything I can do, or is this one of those times in life where I just have to suck it up then let it go?

Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. You have my sympathy, Sparkler. (I mean, seriously, what is it with people like this? And why are their elbows always so pointy?!) And I wish so, so much that I had a better answer to give you. But unless you're at one of those rare and wonderful schools that actually takes bullying seriously—in which case your next stop should be an administrator's office, period—then your options are relatively few and generally lousy. Because based on my research, complaining about a bully seems to net one of three results:

A) You'll both be sent to mediation, where they'll refer to the issue as a "peer conflict," act like you're both somehow at fault, and end by basically begging you to be nice to each other.
B) You'll be told to "just ignore it" (as if that were even possible when the Elbow of Irrational Aggression is being flung into your ribs on a daily basis), or
C) Your antagonist will be given detention/suspension/a firm talking-to... after which she'll just go back to doing exactly what she was doing before, only with extra gusto, because if she cared about getting in trouble then she wouldn't be trying to fight you at school in the first place.

All of which is to say that in light of the general nature of bullies, and the impotent response that bullying complaints mostly receive, my primary advice is this: do what you need—whatever you need—to stay sane and deal.

Maybe that means just pretending not to notice her, ever, no matter how loudly she shrieks or how many elbows she flings. Or finding a new route to your classes that doesn't bring you into contact with her, or at least getting a friend to block you from view. Or filming her as she harasses you, creating a mashup video of her most obnoxious moments, and posting it on YouTube over a music clip of Dennis Leary's "A**hole". Or responding to her next insult by politely informing her that her mouth looks like a cat anus.

Basically, if it gets you through, doesn't get you arrested, and doesn't cause damage to any innocent bystanders, then do what you need to. (Also, if it makes you feel any better? Everybody who knows this girl secretly thinks that she's a raging psycho. Just saying.)

That said, though, you really should consider making an official complaint, through official channels. Not because you can make her stop—chances are that she won't—but because your administration should know about what's going on.

Why? Because it's their job to keep students safe. Because the next kid this girl targets might not be as resilient as you. And because, if it continues or escalates, you're going to have to tell your parents—and, possibly, the police. Yes, that's a big step, and yes, I realize that you'd rather not get your family involved in some stupid high school drama. And that's fine! ...Except that you're being physically assaulted, at school, on a daily basis. That's not okay. And whatever effect it's having on your own health and well-being, you're not doing this girl any favors by shielding her from the natural consequences of her behavior. Because in the real world, people who hit, shove, and harass other people for no reason get sent to jail.

And it's a good thing, too—because a world where this kind of nonsense doesn't stop after high school is a world that nobody would want to live in.

How do you handle high school bullies? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Confessions of a Former Bully