Eight Steps to Climbing the Academic Ranks

By the time you complete annie9075's academic excellence plan, you may also be a superhero. You're welcome. –Sparkitors

For those of you who are currently struggling to make it to the top of your class, here are a few surefire techniques to bridge the gap between you and that valedictorian spot come graduation time. Most are rude and/or life-threatening, but none are technically illegal (probably), so get cracking!

1. Sit behind one of your top competitors in class and hum lullabies. Or just hum a single note, using circular breathing techniques to make it drone on and on for the entire class. You will slowly but surely drive the person insane.

2. Let someone else do your dirty work for you. Find a way to pit the top two students in your class against each other in a high-stakes GPA race. When they eventually snap under the pressure and break out into a big slap fight, the resulting suspensions will help clear the way between you and the top of the class!

3. Get hit by lightning. Ben Franklin did it, and look how well it turned out for him! Just fly a metal kites in a freak thunderstorm, or walk around wearing stainless steel stilts. Either way you’re about to get a big jump start!

4. Become the best teacher's pet ever. This task requires extreme dedication, up to and including following your teacher home and bringing them their slippers. Bark insanely if any of your fellow classmates try to get near the teacher. Do not use on teachers who are allergic to dogs.

5. Fall into a vat of toxic waste. This is an almost foolproof plan to gain a few dozen IQ points! Acquiring of the waste may be difficult—it seems to be the only thing that Wal-Mart doesn't sell.

6. Alternatively, get bit by something radioactive. I would suggest a highly intelligent (dolphin) or extremely adorable (baby Bengal tiger) animal, considering this may have long-term effects.

7. Engage the valedictorian in an epic light saber battle in front of the whole school. Though this may not land you the top spot technically, you will probably be voted Most Amazing at the end of the year. And, let’s face it, that’s what really counts in life.

8. Biochemically engineer yourself a new brain. Sadly, only those who are already at the top of their class are bright enough to handle this task.

How do you plan on trashing the competition at school?

Related post: Nobody Cares, and Other Tips for High School Survival

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