Auntie SparkNotes: The Curious Case of Horny Joe

Dear Auntie,
I'm dating this guy. And he is amazing. Like super-surprises-me-on-my- birthday-to-go-rock climbing-amazing. We've been dating for about 2 months now, and things are going great with him. Unfortunately, he's not the problem. It's his best friend.

His best friend (whom we shall dub Joe) is an alright guy. I was friends with him before I started dating my boyfriend, or even met my boyfriend, and we didn't have any troubles getting along, even if his views differed from mine. Joe is extremely conservative, while I am not. And lately, he's been getting a little... meaner towards me because of that. He seems to think that because I'm not a Christian, I'm a... well... might as well just say it, a slut. He frequently makes comments that hint at me having sex with my boyfriend (which I have not done, not that I think there is anything wrong with girls who do have sex, it's just that I personally haven't).

At first, it wasn't so bad because I just figured that he was a little jealous considering he didn't have a girlfriend and his best friend did. But eventually it got more and more offensive to the point that I don't want to be around him any more. My boyfriend has talked to Joe about this before when he noticed it, but I don't want to involve my boyfriend too much and have them fight over this. My goal is not to make my boyfriend choose me over Joe, it's just to make his comments stop.

Again, Joe is an alright guy. He's nice, funny, and is generally a good person. But I'm getting really offended by this and every time I try to tell Joe that I am offended, he just insincerely apologizes and does it again in 5 minutes. This is really starting to upset me. Please help?

Hoo boy. Well, first things first: it's important to remember that when people make inappropriate or judgmental comments about your sex life—or, for that matter, any decision that's personal, private, and nobody's business but yours—it's almost always about them, not you. Their issues, their insecurities, their discomfort with the topic at hand. Okay? And while it's only a guess, your description of Joe—his views, his behavior, and especially the way his treatment of you changed when you started dating someone—makes me think that there's a very specific thing happening here... and it has jack to do with religion, politics, or anything else.

It's that Joe is, in fact, the teenaged equivalent of this guy.

Which is to say, he's a) completely inexperienced, b) fairly sex-obsessed, c) kinda jealous, and, like a lot of dudes in his position, d) a little bit weird and Madonna-whore-oriented when it comes to female sexuality. And that's also why your relationship was fine before, but changed when you got coupled-up; it's not that you're having sex, it's that you could be, and that mere fact is enough to drive him absolutely bugnuts crazy. Thus making you the target of Joe's general obsession with and many, many hangups about the HND.

Not that this makes what he's doing any less irritating, of course. But if you can, try to remember that this isn't about you; it's about sad, horny Joe and his raging case of sexual repression.

That said, it's time to step up your game and take Joe aside for some Real Talk—as his friend, and for his own good. So be brave, be sympathetic but direct, and deliver (in your own words) the following message:

"Joe, I like you and I think you're a good person, and that's why I'm going to be really honest with you: I don't like your comments. [Boyfriend] doesn't like your comments. And when you make unsolicited remarks like this about someone else's sex life, you are just making yourself look like a pathetic, horny douchebag. Our sex life is none of your business. So for the last time, please stop."

The good news: after a wake-up call like that, it's highly unlikely that Joe will continue his comments. But if he does, then he gets a warning ("Remember how we just talked about this?")—followed by an immediate change of subject, followed by a complete non-response to any future remarks. And by all means, let your boyfriend know that, as a couple, you now have a zero tolerance policy for Joe's obnoxiousness; it's not about making him choosing you over his friend, it's about setting reasonable boundaries.

Plus, ignoring the turkey is a whole lot easier when you've got love on your side.

Have you ever had to deal with a Joe of your own? Tell us how you handled it! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: The Boyfriend Thief