Auntie SparkNotes: Feeling the Love

Dear Auntie,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months or so. I really have fallen for him. In a serious manner. He feels the same, and we both know where the other person stands in our relationship because we have great communication and he's open to talking about anything. I have talked to him about this one problem I have. I'm a very physical person, not in a perverted way. Since I was younger, my family and friends gave me hugs and back rubs and cheek kisses ALL the time. But I haven't gotten much from him. We've held hands once or twice and we hug more often than that... but that's it. I have communicated this to him, and he said he understood... but nothing has changed. It's almost as if our relationship has gone downhill in the touchy department. Not even hand-holding anymore.

I'm so confused. I really like him. Really really. I don't want to break up with him or anything like that, but I also feel slightly tossed to the side. The way I feel love is through touching. I don't know what to do!

Confused? Me too! Because okay: it's obvious that, per your standards, your relationship is lacking in the Department of Non-Perverted Public Touching. But it's hard to judge what's going on here without also knowing what's happening over in the Department of Private Touching, Pervy or Otherwise. I mean, a guy who doesn't hold your hand or hug you in public might just be, y'know, a guy who doesn't like to hold hands or hug in public. And if that's all this is, then you need to just a) accept that he's not a hugger, and b) allow yourself to appreciate the other ways that he shows you he cares.

But a guy who doesn't hold your hand or hug you in public, and who also doesn't hold your hand or hug you in private, and who also doesn't smooch or otherwise engage with you physically at all?

If that's the case, letter-writer—and after re-reading your letter, it seems like it is?—then let's just say that I'm wondering whether any of those convos with your boyfriend might have carried any hints as to why, exactly, he's being so very, very weird about exhibiting bare-minimal physical affection toward someone he supposedly adores. Because while it's perfectly normal for one half of a couple to be less touchy-feely than the other, a romantic relationship still carries the natural expectation of some touching; after all, that's one of the primary things that distinguishes it as romantic rather than platonic. And a person who never wants to touch, kiss, or otherwise engage physically with his or her SO is obviously an alien robot sitting on an issue that needs to be discussed.

So it's a good thing you guys have that great communication going! Because the next step is a Serious Convo. As follows:

1. Remind him where you stand. Partly, this is a question of simply revisiting your earlier conversation—but it's also a question of owning your feelings. You said it yourself: you are a person to whom physical touch is essential. You're not going to be happy in a relationship that doesn't include it. Say so.

2. Once you've established your position, ask him for his. Specifically: how does he feel about being physically affectionate? Is he uncomfortable, or just uninterested? And why, knowing that it's important to you, has he become even less touchy than he was before? Note: there are no wrong answers to these questions. The point is for you to understand his feelings.

3. At this point, you will know why he acts the way he does. (Possible reasons: he's gay, he's asexual, he's straight but inexperienced and extremely insecure about Touching A Lady The Wrong Way, he has sweaty palms and doesn't want to stain your clothes, or—of course—he's an alien robot.) And once you know why, you should also know whether it's an overcome-able issue (shyness, sweaty palms), or a permanent incompatibility (asexual alien robot). Note: If he refuses to talk to you about this, or if he shrugs it off with an "I dunno, I just don't like touching. EVER." that goes under "permanent incompatibility."

And if the issue is overcome-able? Hey, get to work on it! Be honest, keep communicating, and don't be afraid to initiate or ask for physical contact if it's what you want. Just keep your expectations reasonable: even if your guy gets past his shyness or nervousness about touching you, he's probably never going to be naturally grabby. So understand that, and don't push; you have to be willing to recognize his affection in all its forms, not just the physical ones.

If it's not overcome-able, however, then... well, you won't like this, but that's all there is. Because you can't make your boyfriend want to touch you anymore than you can make yourself not want to be touched. And when that's the case, your options are as follows:

A) You can hurt long-term, becoming increasingly resentful and unhappy in a relationship that deprives you of something essential to you, or
B) You can hurt short-term, by recognizing the problem as tragic but unsolvable and making a graceful exit.

I know what I'd choose, but you are your own master.
Good luck.

Are you touchy-feely, or are you a cold fish? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: No-Touch Romance