Chapter Sixteen: The Goblet of Fire
Better Title: The Cup of Corruption
The students from Beauxbatons (which I spelled correctly on my first shot!) and Durmstrang (which I also spelled correctly) settle in for a welcome feast in the Great Hall. (I spelled everything in this sentence correctly.)
There is also a strange box on the front table, which Dumbledore taps to reveal…Drunk Flitwick dressed as a sailor, eating uncooked Ramen, and shouting, "Welcome to my Charm Farm!"
Kidding. It's the Goblet of Fire, a magical chalice which will be used to pick the three school champions from each of the three magic schools. Meanwhile, back at the American School for Wizarding and Witchcraft, the Mug of Fairness would choose every student in the school because in America, everyone is equally wonderfully and there is no such thing as second place.
Dumbledore explains that students shall write their names on slips of paper, and drop the paper into the Goblet. The Goblet will then select the three most worthy players. I'm not sure how the Goblet does this.
The Goblet appears to be all-knowing, and can choose the very best students for the tournament, which leads me to believe the Goblet is always spying on the kids—watching them at school, on the Quidditch field, in the shower, on dates, on naked dates, etc.. How else could it possible know who is the best? Dirty, dirty Goblet. The Goblet is watching you right now, much like Santa Claus, all the ghosts in your house, and the hidden webcam. Wave!
The next day, Dumbledore brings forth the mighty Goblet and the champions are chosen! With a fiery blast, the Goblet shoots out the names of Cedric Diggory, Fleur Delacour (which I misspelled greatly on my first attempt by adding a G and a number 6) and Viktor Krum.
Wow, Goblet of Fire. Just wow. You choose three pretty white kids and not a single minority. Not cool, Goblet of Fire. It's 2011, in case you didn't know.
The Goblet coughs up one last name, and all are stunned to hear Dumbledore announce, "Harry Potter!"
Four boring, pretty white kids. Is this a tournament or the front row at a Lady Antebellum concert? SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSnap.
HARRY: Hey, look. It's Owen Tittlebuds, the home-schooled wizard.
OWEN: Hi! Finished all my work early and thought I'd stop by.
HERMIONE: What's new?
OWEN: Last night I found the Philosopher's phone!
RON: You mean the Philosopher's Stone.
OWEN: No, it was the Philosopher's phone. My dad teaches Philosophy at the local college and he lost his phone. I found it. It was hidden in this secret room that was guarded by a one-headed dog. The secret room was our computer room, and the dog was my dog, Atticus.
HARRY: We had similar adventures a few years ago.
OWEN: Really? How fun! You guys should—Oooh! My scar! It tingles!
HARRY: You have a scar too!?
OWEN: Yes. When I was a baby, a dark wizard killed my parents and then tried to kill me. But his evil spell didn't work and it bounced off my forehead.
HARRY: Your parents are dead?
OWEN: Heavens no. I used simple time travel to save them. It's quite easy. Now my family is happy and living! You should come over some time. I can show you the Chamber of Secrets. That's what I call the computer room when I turn the lights out.
HARRY: Why does your scar hurt? Does that mean the evil wizard is back?
OWEN: No, silly. That guy is long dead. I made a Portkey that would transport a person into a black hole and then threw the Portkey at the dark wizard. Easy peasey, lemon squeezy!
HERMIONE: So why does your scar hurt?
OWEN: It only hurts when my mom is making delicious cookies and loves me with all her still-beating heart. I better go. Auf wiedersehen! That's German. I speak German, too.
HARRY: Stay golden, Owen Tittlebuds. Stay golden.
Chapter Seventeen: The Four Champions
Better Title: Fear the Goblet! Praise the Goblet. The Goblet is Good! The Goblet is God!
How did Harry's name get tossed into the Goblet, and what does this mean for the tournament? Surely Dumbledore will tell Harry to sit this one out. The tournament is far too dangerous for a fourth year student, not to mention the fact that this gives an unfair upper-hand to Hogwarts since they now have two champions in the game and have the home court advantage.
But that doesn't happen. That's far too reasonable.
Harry is forced to participate. We all know that there are enemies at work making sure Harry plays in the tournament, but come on! Why would Dumbledore go along with this? And why does everyone obey the Goblet as if it were some angry god.
What's the worst that can happen if Harry doesn't play? Will the cup get mad and spill itself? Ludo Bagman says the rules clearly state the whomever the cup chooses must play in the tournament. So, angry readers, if some goofball jokingly dropped the name Michael Phelps or Johnny Depp into the Goblet, and the Goblet choose those names (and why wouldn't it?) then Mr. Phelps and Mr. Depp would have to play in the games? What if they're busy?
With so much controversy and speculation about the event, a simple solution would be to have a recount or do-over. Have the players drop their names back in the cup. But no. They can't do that because of chromosomes and because Edward loves Bella.
After much debate and heated conversations, it is agreed that Harry must participate in the contest. He returns to his dorm where everyone is celebrating and happy that their House has a champion! Everyone, that is, except Ron. Copper Top is jealous of Harry and thinks the Boy Who Lived is simply out for more attention.
This leads to the first major fight between the members of Shark Force Omega, and I side with Ron because Ron is better.
HARRY: This Goblet nonsense needs to stop.
DUMBLEDORE: Shh. The Goblet might hear you.
HARRY: Why can't I forfeit?
DUMBLEDORE: Do not disobey the Goblet! Once, the Goblet told me to eat salad and instead I ate cupcakes. As punishment, it broke my fingers and sold all my Webkinz. But it was right to that.
HARRY: That's horrible!
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, you don't know the Goblet like I do. The Goblet doesn't mean to hurt anyone…it's just that I'm a screw up. I should have known better. It's my fault, really.
HARRY: You guys use a silly sorting hat to dictate how our lives will turn out, and now use a cup to pick our athletes. Do you ever make your own decisions? Stand up for yourself!
DUMBLEDORE: I need to go make dinner for The Goblet. If I'm late…
HARRY: How did you get that Goblet-shaped bruise on your face?
DUMBLEDORE: Fell down some stairs.
DUMBLEDORE: …some Goblet-shaped stairs.
Chapter Eighteen: The Weighing of the Wands
Better Title: Rita Skeeter Pita Eater! (Ha! Take that! Though it would work better if eating pita was somehow a put down.)
This chapters shows why Goblet of Fire is one of the better Potter books. Harry is knocked down, way down, and now we all want to see him rise up and become the hero we know him to be. The fall and rise of the hero is simple storytelling 101, but Rowling pulls it off perfectly. Not only has Harry lost his best friend in a fit of jealousy, but he's also entered in a tournament that will likely kill him. Plus, the rest of the school thinks he's some sort of attention hogging jerk.
Malfoy adds to Harry's stress by handing out pins which support Cedric Diggory and flash, "Potter Stings" in bright magic letters. Harry and Malfoy have a tiny fight, and Harry and Ron are given detention from Snape. I notice Snape isn't in these books as much as I remember. I also remember the books being made of spaghetti and socks, but that may have been a dream.
Harry is taken out of Potions class to have his wand weighed for the tournament and to have his picture taken for the Daily Prophet. Here we meet the spunky and manipulative Prophet reporter Rita Skeeter who enjoys bending the truth to make a good story. Anyone else have a crush on her? I mean, I don't. That's stupid. I'm just kidding around. For real. Um…hey look Ron's in the story!
Harry returns to his room where angry Ron tells him an owl delivered a message and left it on Harry's bed.
Question: If owls can arrive at any time during the day, why do so many rush into the Great Hall every morning at a specific time? (Answers due tomorrow before the bell rings. No ripped paper from spiral-bound notebooks will be accepted, as that is sloppy and reflects poorly on you. Take pride in your work.)
The letter is from Sirius, who still uses his real name, and he tells Harry to be near the fireplace in the common room on November 22nd at one o'clock in the morning. To prove to you how stupid and/or tired I am, I actually thought: That's like two months away! Then I realized that this book does not take place in real time. Then I ate more candy corn, because…screw it.
Emperor Palpatine, Lord Sauron, and Baby Voldemort are sitting at the park.
SAURON: You tried to kill a baby and missed. Now your plans to kill him again are more complicated than the Silmarillion. I don't understand that book and I freaking lived it!
EMPEROR: You suck as a villain.
VOLDEMORT: But…I'm evil. I'm scary.
EMPEROR: Not really. You're more annoying and irritating, like pair of wet pants. We don't hang out with wet pants.
SAURON: You're pretty much the worst villain in the world.
VOLDEMORT: I'm not the worst villain. I'm not! Let me show you! [Voldemort blows a magic whistle and a strange figure appears.] Behold!
MARCUS: Hi guys! I'm a vampire master. Dare me to eat a napkin? Because I already did. Pay up, suckers!
MARCUS: I can see relationships. But because I'm a vampire with glittery, cold, rock-like skin, I can't use an iPhone's touch screen. It doesn't work. Will you play Angry Birds for me? I'll tell you where to shoot.
EMPEROR: You proved your point, Morty.
MARCUS: Move the bird up. No, up! More up! Up! A little more. Just a little…that's too far. Down. Down. There! Now! Do it! I'm good at this game, aren't I? It's because I'm powerful.
VOLDEMORT: The trouble is, I don't know how to send him back home.
MARCUS: I’m allowed to stay out late because of my powerfulness. We're friends now, right? What's you're name? Can we be called the Power Buddies? Edward loves Bella. I bet you didn't know that.
House Bergstein School Announcements
Picture Day has been postponed until we all agree to wear hilarious glasses. Come on, people. This is our chance to shine! Are we House Bergstein, or are we House Lame Losers Who Hate Fun?!
Someone please find the most hilarious glasses money can buy.
Students wishing to take woodshop and/or blade shop are reminded that they should split off a tiny bit of their soul into a Horcrux, in case they are accidentally killed in class. (You will need to murder someone to make a Horcrux. For a list of elderly people on the verge of death, contact Melanie in the main office.)
The theme for this year's Halloween Dance has been narrowed down to:
Omniscient Ladders (not sure what that means)
The House Bergstein marching band has been invited to perform in this years Halloween Parade. The House Bergstein running band is still on probation until they realize that what they did was wrong. The swimming band needs to stop being such babies. And the lurking band was last seen crouched behind the Starbucks. (The lurking band is in desperate need of a cellist.)
Read the first chapter of The Old Man and the Sea, but add a sarcastic "Obviously" to the end of every sentence.
Make France better.
Write an opera.
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