Change You Can't Believe In

Scott-Free actually agrees with The Rules this week. Will you? —Sparkitors

Well, I tabularized the votes for last week’s rule (Rule #17: Let Him Take the Lead), and I must say I’m disappointed. I thought I was a lot better at tabularization. My lack of counting skills could be a result of the fact that I have six fingers on each hand, like that guy in The Princess Bride, and therefore I have to use an Ancient Babylonian form of accounting. As of right now I’m failing in Freshman Babylonian Accounting—I just can’t get the drawings on the pottery right. (Stupid oxen. Why did the gods create them to look so much like cows?)

Anyway, the final vote:

Yehs: 4
Hmaybes: 13
Nehs: 16

So the result is Rule #17: Let Him Take the Lead: Neh! Thank you all for voting! Most of you are wrong. I know I’m right, and that’s all that matters. (Kidding! I just like cheering for the underdog.) That makes the current overall score:

Yehs: 4
Hmaybes: 3
Nehs: 8

I thought I was being too hard on this poor book (what with the way I lock it away when I’m done reading it each week) but now I see that I’m being too easy!

Now, for this week’s rule:

Rule #18: Don’t Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him. “Let’s say you have met the man of your dreams—almost. There are a couple of things you wish were different. What do you do? Nothing! Don’t try to change him because men never really change. You should either accept certain flaws or find someone else. Of course, it all depends on what it is about him that bothers you.”

E-Fein and Shusher go on to classify non-satisfactory men into two categories: Category A is for the “fanatically neat, chronically tardy,” those who “hate Chinese food (your favorite) and disco dancing (you love it),” and who have other similar things about them that you don’t agree with or like. If the guys in this category still love you, you can be annoyed with them occasionally, but you shouldn’t worry about whether the relationship will work out or not.

Category B is for men who “flirt with other women in front of you at parties, exhibit violent behavior at times, pay no attention to you when you are telling him something important, or forget your birthday.”

I’m assuming that Category A stands for “Annoying But Lovable, A Little Bit Like Michael Cera,” and Category B stands for “Butthead. Big time.”

Of course, in my book there would be Category C. C, in this case, stands for “Crikey! This Guy Leads a Dangerous Life!” Category C is for the ones who are too dangerous to love. If your man is Category C, he may often say things like “Code Red! I see I’ve been followed by the mutated kangaroos!” or “This is a class five emergency. The platypus has returned.” If you want to marry a Category C man, you’d better be prepared for some long nights spent sitting up while he sharpens his machete and watches the Discovery Channel.

No matter what category your man goes under (or, in Category C’s case, roundhouse kicks under), E-Fein and Shusher say you can’t change him. You either have to decide if his less desirable traits are tolerable or if you need to break up.

I actually agree with this rule. I really do. Not only should you not try and change someone (as if you’ll love someone more when he's changed), but he shouldn’t change just because the person they love wants him to. That’s not a good reason—he needs to change because he want to, not because you want him to.

Rule #18: Don’t Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him: Yeh! It’ll make for a lot less stress in the relationship. Be with somebody you love for who they are now, not what they could be!

Yehs: 5
Hmaybes: 3
Nehs: 8

Scott-Free’s Dating Tip of the Week: If held hostage at nail-point by a vengeful ex, remember: the stuffed tiger’s right retina is the elevator button.

(Mr. Right is brought in by a pair of clones, who throw him to the floor in front of E-Fein.)

E-Fein: Ahhh, my sweet. I was just finishing my nails for our date.

Right: Never.

E-Fein: What was that, darling? A reservation at Johnny Carino’s? Why, let me see if I’m free—

Right: No, never! I said, never! Not at Johnny Carino’s, or Red Robin, or California Pizza Kitchen! And especially not at Souplantation! I hate Souplantation and their dumb square pizza!

E-Fein: Oh, dear. I’m afraid we may have to do some conditioning before our date. Clones, take him—

Unseen Voice from Above: Not so fast, you monster of an emancipated businesswoman-feminist!

(A lone shape rappels down from the ceiling and lands crouching on the chic tigerskin rug. He carries in one hand a gun that is also a knife and in the other, a knife that is also a gun.)

E-Fein: My archnemesis!

Scott-Free: You have dated this man too long, Ellen! Come, Right! Let us poke this tiger in the eye and ride the kick-back up the levels!

Right: Thank you, my Inception-quoting savior!

E-Fein: STOP THEM!

Scott-Free: Knife-gun, don’t fail me now!

What do you think: should your S.O. change for you?

Get more Scott-Free on Facebook!

Related Post: Blogging the Rules

Wanna write for SparkLife? Read this first!