Auntie SparkNotes: A Dating Nightmare In the Making

Dear Auntie,

I have a problem regarding my relationship, as you may have guessed. But my problem is a little... complicated. You see, I met my boyfriend 3 months ago, and from the first moment, we fell deeply in love. We got along incredibly well, and within a month I introduced him to my family who loved him as well. Every time we saw each other the feelings grew stronger and stronger.

However, he had mentioned more than once that his ex relationship was extremely horrible and he was emotionally and financially taken advantage of by his ex girlfriend, and basically made her out to be a complete monster. And even though everything was perfect between us, it felt a little... too perfect. He wanted to get too serious too quickly (eg. marriage). I had an instinct something wasn't right... so I found his ex on facebook and asked her to tell me the other side of the story. And she told me things that... made me want to curl into a ball and never leave my room ever again. She said he emotionally and physically abused her. She said he was a compulsive liar and manipulator and extremely sneaky and to get out before I'm hurt.

The thing is, I don't know whether she's saying these things because she doesn't want him to be with anyone else, or if they are actually true. I have caught a few lies he's told me before. I confronted him about this and he cried and begged me to forgive him for lying to me and said he didn't want to lose me. He had told me before that he fell in love with me in a way that he never did with her. I don't want to believe everything we had was a lie, and I'm convinced he loves me a lot, but is it possible to tell when someone has a habit of telling convincing lies constantly? And should I give him another chance?

Should you give him another chance?!

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...Sorry, y'all. My keyboard; my forehead; you know the drill.

Because Sparkler, here's the deal: I understand how, in your desire to be even-handed and non-judgmental, you might be tempted to look at everything you've told me as a series of separate issues rather than one big-ass problem. And I also understand how, if you are looking at each of these problems individually, you could examine everything you know about this guy and still somehow conclude that he's not a relationship nightmare waiting to happen.

But while the things you describe might be explain-away-able individually and in a vacuum... well, let's put it this way. If it looks like an abusive duck, and it swims like an abusive duck, and it quacks like an abusive duck? IT'S PROBABLY AN ABUSIVE FREAKIN' DUCK.

Which, hopefully, you saw for yourself as soon as you finished this letter. But in case you didn't—and for the benefit of everyone reading—here's a public service announcement from the Society for Untraumatized Advice Columnists. Ready? Here we go.

Any guy (or girl! for the record!) who...

a) says that he loves you right away
b) pushes to get serious after only a few weeks of dating
c) demonizes his ex-girlfriend(s) without any acknowledgment of his own role in the relationship
d) puts you on a pedestal and/or sets himself up as hard to please (i.e. "I love you in a way I've never loved anyone else"), AND
e) has well-documented issues with the truth

...is exhibiting clear early warning signs that he's a controlling, abusive, manipulative, and otherwise to-be-avoided sort of dude.

And the thing is, you know this. You know it even without my advice, even without having caught him in multiple lies, and even without the confirmation from his ex that there's more to their breakup than he let on. (Although for the record, I'd take her claims seriously; if all she wants is to keep him to herself, then why would she wait three months for you to contact her before spilling the dirt?) Your letter makes it clear that your gut has been telling you, for awhile and with increasing urgency, that something isn't right... and that's after just three months of dating.

Don't you think it's time you started taking yourself seriously?

Unfortunately, this happens more often than it should; people (and girls, especially) are socialized to dismiss or explain away their gut feelings in favor of keeping the peace and not making a fuss. But if there's anything I want you to take away from this—and this goes for every single person reading, too—it's that you need to trust your instincts when they tell you something's off. Intuition is about sensing threats on a subconscious level; intelligence is about trusting those feelings, even if they don't seem to make sense. So if a relationship makes you uncomfortable, if the stranger following you gives you the creeps, if your boyfriend starts talking love and marriage and your first thought is, "Whoa, that's way too fast"? PAY ATTENTION. You're getting a vital early warning, courtesy of your finely-tuned animal brain, that something is wrong.

And now that you're listening to the screaming alarms of your subconscious, hopefully you don't need me to tell you to cut this guy loose. And if you're still waffling, then please look at the questions you're asking for the giant red herrings that they are: Does he really love you? Has your relationship been a lie? Dude, WHO CARES? Even if it's all as real as real can be, you already know from experience exactly what you'll get if you stay: lies, manipulation, constant self-doubt and a total lack of trustworthiness. Which is all the info you need, and then some, to know that you need to get out. Please do, and do it now.

Oh, and write back with an update, will you? I worry.

Have you ever dated a compulsive liar? Share your story in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Due Dating