dac213 tells you everything you need to know about living through your very own horror movie! (And we're sorry if this photo makes you barfy, but hey, man, you need to learn how to deal with it in order to SURVIVE.)—Sparkitors
We've all had those moments: you're watching a horror movie and you find yourself yelling at the screen in frustration, "Don't go down there! Don't go down there! Oh, now you're dead...Told you not to go down there." Thinking back on my past horror movie experiences, I've come up with this comprehensive guide to surviving life inside a horror movie. If you ever find yourself pursued by zombies, psychotic killers, or homicidal ghosts, here are some tips to keep in mind:
1. You're faster on your feet than you are on your hands and knees. So if you can get up and run, do it; don't crawl. I don't care how panicked you are, you'll be even more panicked when Jason Voorhees gets a hold of you.
2. Use the buddy system. This isn't Scooby Doo, guys, so don't go anywhere alone. SPLITTING UP WILL GET YOU NOWHERE. I don't care if you're the star quarterback, you still can't handle Norman Bates.
3. Curiosity killed the throwaway character. It's entirely possible that Michael Myers will just pop up behind you no matter what you do, but it's still not a good idea to investigate that breathing noise coming from the basement. Which brings me to...
4. Dead ends are not your friends. By "dead ends," I mean any room that only has one door. These rooms can easily become traps. Basements, attics, your bedroom—it's a bad idea to hang out or hide in any of these.
5. If it's an "it," it's not worth your life. I know you love Fido, but it's probably not the best idea to run back into your possessed house to get him. The same goes for family heirlooms, laptops, cell phones, etc. Going back for a friend, SO, or child is acceptable; anything else can be abandoned to its doom.
6. Don't be attached to your house. Especially now that it is a death trap. If your house is haunted, there's one good way to avoid death: LEAVE THE HOUSE! The same goes if there's a psychotic killer in your walls; leaving the house might actually give him the slip or draw him out into the open, where the cops can taser him.
7. The forest is not your friend. It's dark, there are hardly any people in it, it's full of roots and other things to trip over, and there are wild animals that may also want to kill you. So don't run from your Haunted House into the Forest of Fear; CrissKat (shout out to PrestigousTimeLady, whose book I bought), Ron, and Hermione might have been okay when they ran from the Shrieking Shack to the Forbidden Forest, but THEY had a centaur friend. Do YOU have a centaur friend? I didn't think so. And this brings me to my final tip...
8. Witnesses are always nice. Try, whenever possible, to get from wherever you are to someplace where there will be witnesses to your gruesome death. At the very least, no one can call you crazy for claiming that wax people tried to kill you.
Do you feel totally prepared to battle psychopaths now?
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