Dear Auntie,
So here is my problem - my sister hates me.
What's that you say? Too vague? Let me expand on that. I am 14 and my older sister is 20. I feel like now that I am a teenager and have started developing opinions and voicing them, she constantly tries to undermine every single thing I say. It's so bad, that whenever I'm in the same room as her, I hesitate to say anything for fear of her ridiculing anything I say. And by repressing this anger, it occasionally surfaces as throwing her shoes at her for leaving them in my room (don't judge me!). She rolls her eyes everytime I mention Harry Potter (so there is a lot of eye rolling) and when I try to defend my opinion, she replies: "You know, you don't know everything in the world, you're only 14!".
I am perfectly aware of this fact, and I acknowledge that on many subjects she knows more than I do. But not on all subjects. And she also has no respect for my privacy: she walks into my room, and wanders through my closet, and even read my diary once. I have since stopped keeping a diary. And when I try to talk to her about it, she says: "Why are you being so weird about this?". What I ultimately want is to not have the urge to throw objects at her when I see her, and to have a normal relationship with her. So my question is: am I being too weird about this? And how can I talk to her so that she respects what I have to say?
Well, you could start by skipping the hyperbolic accusation ("My sister hates me"? Really?) and shoe-throwing activities.
I know, I know: she's being a butt, and it makes you angry, and it's not particularly fair for the onus to be all on you to take the moral high ground. But when you want a person to treat you with respect, then you kinda, y'know, have to act like a person who deserves to be respected. And if there's one thing that respected people have in common, it's a general tendency not to hurl footwear at those with whom they have conflicts. (Note: This statement may or may not still be true after the 2012 presidential election.)
Okay, so you've dropped your defenses a tad and put down the shoes, right? Good. And now, let's move on to a few other habits of respect-worthy people—which you can incorporate into future conversations with your sis in an effort to keep the peace.
Habit #1: Picking your battles. Is it cool that your sister rolls her eyes whenever you mention Harry Potter? Well, no. (And obviously, she's got crap taste in young adult literature.) But since you know how she feels about it, and since she's unlikely to change her mind, then continuing to talk Potter around her is the conversational equivalent of poking an irritable dog with a stick: pointless, unproductive, and likely to end with somebody's head getting bitten off.
Habit #2: Agreeing to disagree. When it's a simple question of taste—which books you like, which shows you watch, which music you listen to—you're not required to defend or justify your opinions. And that's true whether you're four, or fourteen, or 40. There's no age requirement for knowing what you like. Which, of course, you're welcome to point out to your sis right before you change the subject.
Habit #3: Being informed. Because when it's not a simple question of taste (when your opinions are political, for instance) then being old matters much less than being educated. And not only is it the responsibility of mature people to do their homework before forming or voicing an opinion, but a knowledgeable and well-researched view is pretty much impossible to undermine... even for a 20 year-old know-it-all.
And now, the good news: once you're using the above tactics to make sure that you're picking your arguments wisely —refusing to engage unless it's necessary, and having the knowledge to back up your views when it is—your sister's ability to undermine and attack you is pretty much nil; if she tries, she'll just look like an argumentative jerk, at which point either a) she'll knock it off, or b) your parents will tell her to.
Speaking of which: where are your parents in all of this? Because while it's perfectly reasonable for them to step aside while you bicker, it's also their job to intervene on your behalf when your sister is violating your privacy in egregious ways. Which she is. Coming into your room? Sifting through your stuff? Reading your diary?! Show me a person who doesn't get upset about that, and I'll show you a bona fide weirdo. Your response, on the other hand, is about as normal as they come. So, tell her once more—politely but firmly—that she's not welcome in your room without permission, and that you expect her to respect your privacy. And if she doesn't, talk to your mom and dad about either re-teaching your sis some lessons about boundaries, or getting a lock installed on your bedroom door.
How do you handle a know-it-all older sib? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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