Slow Dancing with Your Mother-In-Law

By Contributor

September 22, 2011

Scott-Free is finally halfway through The Rules! —Sparkitors

Rule #17: Let Him Take the Lead. “Dating is like slow dancing. The man must take the lead or you fall over your feet.”

Well, maybe this is true if you're Bella Swan. I can’t really relate to this metaphor, because I don’t do much slow dancing. However, I went to a swing dance once, and I can give you a tip from that: Dating is like swing dancing. Take your gum out before you go for a dip, or it WILL come out of your mouth and go down her dress.

True story. Anyway. E-Fein and Shusher say,

“He should be the first one to say 'I love you,' 'I miss you,' 'I’ve told my parents so much about you. They can’t wait to meet you.'”

So here’s the biggest problem I have with E-Fein and Shusher’s book (other than them commonly referring to men as animals that need to be conditioned): they don’t back up any of their material. Why do they think men have to lead? Why do they think women will trip over their own feet? In this chapter, they don’t even offer a Joe-and-Marcy style tale by way of warning!

And why should you, girl on the street, obey these rules? The only thing you should do is get out of the street before you get hit, girl. There’s no proof that what they say works! No testimonials saying “I’m a 40-year-old woman who resembles a female Boris Karloff, but with The Rules I snagged a young, male Kristen Wiig!”

The only endorsements I see in the beginning of the book are by The New York Times and Detroit News, and I’m not sure they tried any of this. Where’re the Harvard test statistics? Where’re the celebrity endorsements? Where’re E-Fein and Shusher’s pictures on the backs of cereal boxes?

This has nothing to do with my beliefs on the legitimacy of the rules. I just think the Dynamic Dating Duo should give you more evidence before you risk your eternal happiness following them off a cliff. So, instead of giving us silly proof or, God forbid, reasons why this rule is true, the two simply elaborate on what the rule includes.

Which is, mostly, not letting the word "marriage" ever be said around the man. Don’t you know that men are as skittish around the "m" word as Dementors around the words "Expecto Patronum?"

“You should meet his parents before he meets yours unless, of course, he picks you up at your parents’ house. Let your mother or father open the door, but don’t let them hang around too much. Tell your mother not to smile at him as if he were her son-in-law and don’t let her mention your sister’s upcoming wedding.”

How do you smile at someone as if you’re their mother-in-law? Is it different than normal smiling? Does it involve a vampire-grin?

“The same rule applies to your friends. He should introduce you to his friends before you introduce him to yours. …don’t tell your friends too much about him because they might inadvertently blab when they do meet him. If you can’t trust them to be quiet and discreet, then say nothing. The last thing you need is a well-meaning, but not too smart friend, saying something like, 'Oh, it’s nice to meet you. Sheila has told me so much about you.'”

Let’s ignore the misplaced commas in that paragraph and talk about the spirit of the law. The rule itself—should a man lead the relationship?

Instead of going into all my thoughts and beliefs on this subject, and since we’re actually (finally!) halfway through the book, I decided to let you guys decide this one.

So this time, vote in the comments and tell me what you think the outcome should be. Yeh if you agree, neh if you disagree, hmaybe if you aren’t sure or think it depends on the couple.

Verdict on Rule #17: Let Him Take the Lead: TBA next week.

Scott-Free’s Dating Tip of the Week: If your date attempts to save the world, be sure to give him or her your support.

Dr. Genes: This is the weapon I’ve created specifically to fight the clone menace.

Mr. Right: Actually, that’s The Phantom Menace. You’re thinking of Attack of the Clones. Ha, ha.

Dr. Genes: Is this pre-date banter?

Mr. Right: That was actually a joke. A pre-laugh joke.

Dr. Genes: Ah, yes. Here, lodge this pole in the door handles so the clones won’t break in.

(Screams of women outside: “WANT TO MEET MY MOTHER?!?”)

Mr. Right: Your mothers are globs of cytoplasm, you freaks! What do you call your weapon?

Dr. Genes: I spent two whole lunch breaks on a brainstorming session. Nothing.

(Window smashed.)

Mr. Right: Well, it looks like a cross between a hair dryer, a clothes dryer, and a drying rack. Why don’t you call it Hot Spinney Death?