My Dear Auntie,
I got my first car about 4 months ago, a little after I turned 17. And so far, this car has been AWESOME! I can now drive wherever and whenever I want without having to use my mother's minivan! Another thing that's great is that I can finally hang out with my friends and actually go places with them!
...However, the people I hang out with are younger than me and either don't have a car, don't have a license, or both. This whole summer, I was the one giving rides anytime we arranged a social outing.
This wasn't a problem at first, in fact, it was GREAT considering my loneliness before I got my license. But I drove them everywhere. There were some days when they'd call me and ask me to drop them off places because their parents couldn't do it, which would be fine if I didn't live so far away from them. There came a point where I felt more like a mix between a chauffeur and a single parent with too many kids than a friend with car.
Oh, and did I mention gas money? Yeah, because I spent a LOT on gas. I can't afford to drive them around that much! Is it odd to ask your friends for gas money? Keep in mind that these are the people who have no idea what it's like to pay for gas. My older sister says I should either ask them for money anytime they want a ride or just not give them a ride at all. This seems kind of harsh to me, but I don't know where to draw the line from "being assertive" to "being rude". I know I have to tell them I can't give them rides all the time, but they'll be expecting it because school is starting soon. What should I tell them so that they won't get angry at me?
...And this, you guys, is why Driver's Ed classes need to be updated to include a segment on Driver's Etiquette—so that, in addition to learning the ropes of operating an automobile, young people could also learn how to navigate their new social lives as licensed drivers. And high on the list of lessons would be the one on Telling Your Freeloading Friends That You're Not A Chauffeur.
Because geez, Sparkler. You are not the douchebag in this situation, okay? And not only are you miles away from behaving rudely, you haven't even crossed the line into basic assertiveness yet. In fact, you're being a doormat.
Or, in the parlance of vehicular vocab, a floormat.
Which isn't to say that I don't get it. I mean, you've spelled it out pretty clearly: your car has made you popular and sought-out in a way that you weren't before. You're afraid that if you don't play chauffeur to your friends, you'll go back to being lonely and unloved. And between these two things, you've managed to convince yourself that being walked all over is a fair tradeoff for keeping your friends close.
But it isn't.
And if you keep it up, you're going to end up truly miserable. So sit down, grab a pen, and get ready for a crash course in Social Driving 101—beginning with three simple rules that you should file away in your memory right alongside all that other vehicular information about yield signs, right-of-way, and how to parallel park.
1. You are never obligated to drive. It's your car, your license, your time—and, therefore, your choice. Period.
2. You are NOT a chauffeur. If your pals want to be driven places and their parents won't take them, they should call a cab.
3. Frequent passengers are required to make mandatory contributions toward your gas expenses. This is a standard grownup rule of riding in cars; if your friends don't know this, then now's the time for them to find out.
These rules are absolute; remember them. And once you've committed them to memory, here's your homework: close your door, look in the mirror, and practice saying the following sentences.
For times when you do want to drive:
"I'm happy to drive, but from now on, I'm going to have to ask everyone for gas money. This summer nearly bankrupted me."
For times when you don't want to drive:
"Sorry, that's not going to work for me. I hope you can find someone to take you."
For persistent requests that you drive people to events that you yourself are not attending:
"Look, I understand that it's hard not to have a car, but this has to stop. I like seeing you guys, but I don't have the time or energy to be your chauffeur, and it's not fair of you to keep asking me."
And, finally, for blockheads who just don't get it:
"Pony up, you cheap-ass deadbeat bastard, or you're walking home."
Is this an instant fix? Not necessarily. If your friends prefer you in your floormat position, then your newly-assertive attitude may not be received with glee. But that's not because it's wrong; it's because they're so used to using you that they've lost sight of the fact that any time you drive them anywhere, you are doing them a favor. And if you stand firm, they'll realize their error soon enough. So hold your ground, be polite, and feel free to take comfort in the fact that your status as the sole car-owner amongst your peers will be blessedly short-lived.
Now drive on with your bad self.
Do you ask friends for gas money? Do you bum rides like... a bum? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Driving Mr. Weirdie
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