Real Life Shiz with Ash

Good morning, Sparklers, and thank you for attending my class on REAL LIFE SHIZ. I wish there had been a class like this when I was in high school. All I learned was that we need to know enough math, science, and English to get into college so that we can get jobs and not have to beg people to buy us stuff. And that's great, but it left me totally ignorant about many important day-to-day skills. That's why we here at the Sparklife Academy want to teach you how to be a semi-impressive person who is not a total dumb-butt.

In the coming months, you’ll learn how to change a tire, hem jeans, and make an easy and healthy appetizer to bring to parties when you only have about 10 minutes because you’ve got a full time job. By the end of the semester, you will know how to drive stick, play a few songs on the piano, and make a good cocktail. Under my tutelage, you'll learn how to make an omelet, assemble a bookshelf, paint a bedroom, brew coffee using a french press, pitch a tent, swim a mile, sum up a movie in four sentences, and form an intelligent opinion on most political topics.

I will make sure that by the time you graduate, you know how to boil noodles without overcooking them, so that when you finally get a romantic interest, you will know how to make enough pasta dishes to fool him/her into thinking you can cook. I will teach you how to knit, so that you can make your own blankets, scarves, and mittens. I will bring in my boyfriend to show you how to change your oil. I will also teach you how to find S.O.s who are good at doing helpful things like changing the oil. I'll teach you how to parallel park, something my parents never did because they didn’t know how to do it themselves. (You’ll thank me when you’re 25 and on a date and can park without hitting the car behind you.) We’ll figure out the most efficient way to mow a lawn. We’ll learn how to make our own bread, plant a garden, make meatloaf and cookies from scratch, and use a turkey baster, screwdriver, crowbar, hammer, wrench, and measuring tape.

Thanks for going over the syllabus with me. Next lesson will be how to act like you're listening when you're really tired.

What everyday things do you wish you know how to do? I want to know so I can improve this class!

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