Nothing Rhymes with "The Emmys" (Believe Us, We've Tried)

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Okay, so we didn't actually WATCH the Emmys (mostly because the tiny Brooklyn hovel in which we reside does not have a television)—but, thanks to the limitless magic of the internets, we're now certifiable experts on what went down at last night's award show. Consider us the Ryan Seacrest of the web, but with duller teeth, and less charisma.

The evening opened with the below segment, and we think that it pretty much sums up the entire night;  host Jane Lynch (aka everybody's favorite caustic Cheerios coach Sue Sylvester) hangs out with the stars of TV's hottest shows, does some pirouettes, makes generally hilarious jokes, and even throws in a few pointy-gun fingers (we're 98% sure she learned that move from us). If the Mad Men scene in this video doesn't make you laugh (or at least make you smile in a half-hearted, defeated sort of way), you are a humorless robot, and we will never forgive you.

Our favorite part of any awards show is always the FASHION, so here's a rundown of the best looks from last night (with a few style tragedies thrown in for good measure):

-We LOVED how gorgeous and classy Evan Rachel Wood, Claire Danes, Emily Blunt, and Julia Stiles looked in their stunning gowns; we'll take one of each dress, please, and any and all tips on how to get our arms to look like they were sculpted from marble.

-The Glee ladies seem intent on letting us down; how is it possible that such smokin' hawt girls manage to miss the mark on the red carpet so often? We thought Lea Michele, Amber Riley, Naya Riviera, Dianna Argon, and Heather Morris all looked 15 years older than they actually are (and Puck looked sort of like a sociopathic hipster accountant). Come on, dudes, you're the stars of a ginormously successful hit TV show—where's the SASS?! Where's the FUNK?!

-We're really not sure what to think about Gwyneth's outfit, other than: SERIOUSLY?! Seriously. SERIOUSLY?! She would have looked perfect, but for the bare expanse of her STOMACH, which she decided to broadcast to gabillions of people.

On the whole, we thought it was a beautiful red carpet, with a bunch of beautiful people doing what they do best: looking beautiful. (That sentence was funny because we used the word "beautiful" so many times.) For more pics, check out this slideshow!

And now, here's a full list of the Emmy winners, thanks to EW.com (we really only care that Kyle Chandler, scruffy star of the BEST SHOW OF ALL TIME, won for Best Lead Actor. Everyone else=Buttever.)

Outstanding comedy series: Modern Family

Outstanding drama series: Mad Men

Outstanding miniseries or movie: Downton Abbey

Outstanding lead actress, miniseries or movie: Kate Winslet, Mildred Pierce

Outstanding supporting actor in a miniseries or movie: Guy Pearce, Mildred Pierce

Outstanding directing for a miniseries, movie or dramatic special: Brian Percival, Downton Abbey

Outstanding lead actor in a miniseries or movie: Barry Pepper, The Kennedys

Outstanding supporting actress, miniseries or movie: Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

Outstanding writing for a miniseries or movie: Julian Fellowes, Downton Abbey

Outstanding lead actor, drama: Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights

Outstanding lead actress, drama: Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Outstanding supporting actor, drama: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

Outstanding directing, drama: Martin Scorsese, Boardwalk Empire 

Outstanding supporting actress, drama: Margo Martindale, Justified

Outstanding writing, drama series: Jason Katims, Friday Night Lights

Outstanding variety, music or comedy series: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Outstanding directing for a variety, music or comedy series: Don Roy King, Saturday Night Live (host: Justin Timberlake)

Outstanding writing for a variety, music or comedy series: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Outstanding reality competition: The Amazing Race

Outstanding lead actress, comedy: Melissa McCarthy (Mike & Molly)

Outstanding lead actor, comedy series: Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Outstanding writing for a comedy: Steve Levitan, Jeffrey Richman (“Caught in the Act”), Modern Family

Outstanding director, comedy: Michael Alan Spiller (“Halloween”), Modern Family

Outstanding supporting actor, comedy: Ty Burrell (Modern Family)

Outstanding supporting actress, comedy: Julie Bowen (Modern Family)

Did you watch the Emmys? What crucial aspects did we totally forget to discuss? Which dresses were your favorite? Do you love Jane Lynch even more now than you did before?

Title image credit: Click here!