Auntie SparkNotes: None Of Your Affair

Dear Auntie,

For the past few years I have been suspicious that my dad has been cheating on my mom.

My suspicions were aroused due to his increased texting all the time, while we were at dinner, in the car, on a plane, watching tv, etc. When I have asked him who he is texting all the time he says that he was only texting his best friend or someone from work but in the past few weeks the texts have gotten more frequent and I have recently unfortunately seen a sexually explicit text message he was writing while he was in the same room as my mother.

I am at a loss for what to do. I don't have any solid proof that he is having an affair but I am sure that the proof is on his phone. He also had an opportunity to get together with this woman because my mother, my sister, and I were in Europe for two weeks while he was home alone. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to anyone about it, even my sister or my best friend, because I am not 100% sure that he is cheating and it's embarrassing to think that he would betray our family that way. I have tried to subtly ask him who he is texting all the time and he brushes the question off but I have seen that every other text message on his phone is addressed to some woman named Michelle.

I told myself that I would wait and discuss it with my sister once I move into college next week and I am not around him anymore but recently I feel like he has been texting more and more. I don't feel strong enough to directly confront him about and I don't want to tell my mother because I think it would crush her. I just feel so hurt and betrayed that he would lie to me and my mom. What should I do? I can't just sit idly by and let him betray my mother like he has been doing for the past few years or I will go crazy, but I don't want to know all the details of his sordid affair.

Oof, Sparkler. That's a real punch to the gut, and I'm sorry. In a perfect world, monogamous marriages would be easy, unshakable, and always in working order... and if they weren't, at the very least, the kids would never have to know the details. And while you're certainly not the first person who's had to reconcile the image of a beloved parent with the stereotype of the Filthy Cheater, that doesn't make it any less awful.

Unfortunately, your problem is two-sided: on one hand, you know what your dad is doing. But on the other hand... well, you don't. Affairs happen in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons—some of them sordid, some of them sympathetic, and almost none of them simple. And while it's possible that your father is just a cheating POS, it's also possible that...

- Your parents have an open marriage, and the affair is taking place with your mother's permission.
- Your parents are planning to separate and/or divorce, and your dad has jumped the gun on starting a new relationship.
- The affair is an emotional one, and is taking place strictly via text message.
- Your parents are swingers.

I know, ewww to that last one. But the point is, it's possible—as are any number of other scenarios that make this situation more complex than a simple black-and-white betrayal. And whatever's happening, and despite how painful it is to know what you know, the fact remains that this is their marriage, and their business, and their issue to deal with.

Which is why your next move should be to address the parts of this situation that affect you (your dad's obvious canoodling-by-text during family time), and close the door on the parts that don't (the who, why, and how of his suspected activities.)

The bad news is, the time for subtlety is over. You're going to have to confront your dad, and you're going to have to be direct. The good news is, you don't have to do this in person; in fact, it's highly preferable that your approach be one-sided and not face-to-face. So, send your dad an email—or write him a note—and:

1) Tell him that you know that he's having an affair. You don't have to tell him that you saw his text messages, but do make sure he knows that the evidence is obvious and undeniable. He needs to be aware that he's doing a terrible job of hiding... well, whatever he's been doing.
2) Say that you don't know the details, and you don't want to. You just want it to stop. (This should derail any attempts he might make to deny or explain his actions, which of course you don't want or need to hear.)
3) Point out what a horrible position he's put you in. It's not just that he's cheating, but that he's flaunting it—exposing you to information you desperately wish you didn't know, and putting you in the position of having to choose between telling your mom or being complicit in his deception.
4) Throw down the gauntlet. If he continues to carry on like this—at the expense of not just his marriage, but his family—then you feel you'll have no choice but to tell your mom what you know.

Basically, this accomplishes three things: it alerts your father to the obviousness of his behavior. It gives him a chance to do the right thing. And it ensures that, whatever else happens, you will be able to resume your rightful place in this situation—namely, in a state of blissful ignorance about your parents' marital secrets.

Because what you won't do is continue to seek evidence of your father's wrongdoing—and if he's got a shred of decency, he won't leave any around for you to find. And I know, I know: this is counterintuitive, and against human nature, and so very, very hard. But, as an adult yourself, you're old enough to understand that relationships are complicated, difficult, and rife with shades of gray. And whatever is happening between your parents, the only thing you'll get by wading around in their business is hurt.

Does this mean that everything will be fabulous from here on out? I'll be honest: probably not. Which is why you should not only confide in a friend about this, but prepare yourself not to be blindsided in the event that your parents' marriage continues to unravel. (Talking to your sister is okay, too, but only if she's in a position to cope with it; if she's still living with your parents, burdening her with the knowledge isn't fair.) It seems obvious, but it needs to be said: marriages can fail, but families can survive. A person can betray his or her spouse, but still care for his children. And even if your dad's feelings toward your mom may have changed, that doesn't mean he loves you any less.

Just something to hold on to, in case things get hard.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? Tell us how you handled it. And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Is My Girlfriend Cheating On Me?