Why Saying "I Dislike Swimming" Is Kind of an Understatement

HolyCereal! just wants you to stop soaking your body in shark-infested pee water. Is that so much to ask? –Sparkitors

The crisping of leaves has begun, the bindings of new textbooks have been cracked, and the dying screams of summer vacation can be heard throughout the land. This can only mean one thing: the dreaded season of swimming has come to a sweet, merciful conclusion.

Before you freak out and say, “HOW COULD YOU HATE SWIMMING, IT’S THE BEST, SWAMMING IS MY LIEF!!!,” you should use spell check, because nothing’s worse than messing up when you’re yelling at someone.

I have created a concise list that explains my hatred of all things swimming. The accompanying flowchart is included on Extreme-SparkNotes, which can only be accessed if you’re wearing blue today, or if you got an invite on Google–.  For now, I will just tell you why I despise getting almost naked and jumping into the excessively wet liquid that is water.

1. Swimming is Just Fancy Running. When somebody who clearly doesn’t know me at all says, “Want to go swimming?,” what I hear is, “Want to go running a lot?” Because swimming is just fancy, almost-naked running. Think about it: When you’re not doing laps (fancy sprinting), you’re treading water to stay afloat. And if you're not treading water, you’re just standing...but in water. If that's what you're into, try a hot tub, created specifically for the purpose of hanging out listening to today’s hottest music. Hot tubs have cupholders, people! Does the ocean in all its so-called majesty have a single cup holder? I didn’t think so.

Some of you may scoff at me, arguing that swimming is good for you because it’s active and athletic and all that. Fair enough, everyone exercises differently. Personally, I run on a treadmill, chasing after a hanging Twinkie while watching The Office.

2. It’s Just Less Fancy Bathwater. You see that nice old man with his young grandchildren playing in the water over there in the community swimming pool? How sweet. Well, here’s a truth slap for you: because of his "nice" day with his grandkids, little kid pee is swirling all over the body of every swimmer in the vicinity. How frequently do people change the water in a pool? Not that often is my guess.

Don’t even get me started on the ocean. People have died in the ocean. You’re in a large, wet casket! People got ripped apart by sharks in the very same water you’re currently blowing out through your swim noodle.

3. It’s Like Jumping In A Hole Filled With Knives! In that it can totally kill you. The last time I checked, I don’t have gills, and I check often. I reiterate: Humans weren’t designed to live in water. We can’t breathe water like air! Why would somebody willingly step in a basin filled with something that can kill you? I don’t know about you, but the last thing I'm going to do (right before I see the new Smurfs movie. Oh, BURN!) is climb into a pool filled with battery acid.

About 7 million people drown each and every day. Plus, in the ocean there are sharks, jellyfish, strong waves, and naughty plankton who like to tickle (yet, no cup holders). You’ll never make it out alive.

Are you ever getting back in the pool again?

Related post: What Your Swimming Stroke Says About You

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