Pants: My Mortal Enemy

carrieaimelire is not an aficionado of pantalones—probably because she doesn't know that they could one day SAVE HER LIFE.—Sparkitors

Pants and I are not friends.

We are not pals.
Or compadres.
Or amigos.
Or buddies.
Or homies.
We do not hang out socially. Our relationship is strictly professional.
We do not play nicely together and we only tolerate one another when forced.

I have had a natural aversion to pants since I first experienced them. As a small child I was very, very girly. No matter what I was doing or where I was going, I insisted on wearing a dress. My parents were not especially fond of this obstinacy, as the dresses I chose to wear were almost always plasticky, shiny, look-at-me dress-up Disney Princess dresses. And I was already quite versed in the art of accessorizing. I was a snazzy dresser, to say the least.

This might have been due in part to the fact that my hair didn't actually grow until I was 5, and until then I was always mistaken for a
little boy—unless I was wearing a dress. But that's beside the point.

I have reasons for hating pants. These are them.

1. Pants rub uncomfortably if they do not fit PERFECTLY. And since not everybody can go and get pants tailor-made to fit their body, there will always be some part of your pants that rubs the wrong way, whether it's on your pelvis or your crotch or your inner thighs or
your back.

2. Pants give the impression of a muffin top. I do not care how skinny you are; unless you are Kate Moss or a skeleton, pants will give you unattractive bulges just about every time you sit down.

3. Pants hurt your tummy after you've eaten.

4. Pants are very constricting and limit your range of natural movement.

5. Pants are hot and uncomfortable (only applicable in the months of April—September).

6. Pants are rarely the perfect length, and even if they are, they shrink, therefore forcing you to buy MORE pants.

7. Pants are itchy when they are new.

8. Pants have awkward zippers and sometimes they stick out funny and bunch when you sit. This is a problem if you are female because this protrusion gives others the impression that you possess a piece of the male anatomy that is not wont to be found on the body of a female.

9. Pants of the skinny variety are nearly impossible to peel off of your calves. This poses an issue when you are forced to change in a more public area, such as a locker room or dressing room, because you  are then forced to perform the skinny-jean dance, an awkward and highly embarrassing ritual in which the unfortunate wearer hops around on one leg, then the other, then eventually falls sideways into something, all while holding up the leg of her pants in front of her and trying to lean forward and get hold of the other side.

10. Pants that are too long will get stuck on your accelerator pedal and make it impossible for you to remove your foot from it long enough to brake before running into things like poles or people. (Really nasty experience my first month of driving. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.)

11. Pants that ride too low give the rest of the world a fantastic view of your undergarments. (Eerily enough, this seems to happen
nearly every time you wear granny panties. Pants-karma is a biotch.)

For all of these reasons, I. Do. Not. Enjoy. Wearing. Pants. At. All. So when I come home they are the first things to leave my body. There's no shame in hanging out in your underwear. All of the important parts are covered, right?

I often throw little parties for myself when I'm home alone and am able to just walk around wearing what I please. I put on really loud music and I stretch out luxuriously on the floor and I Internet (it's now a verb) and watch things and sing really REALLY loudly and just generally enjoy having bare legs. This is especially fun in the winter because there is nothing better than wearing a huge sweatshirt with no pants. It is positively the comfiest outfit on earth.

Caution: this behavior is only appropriate when one is home alone. Witnesses to Pantsless Parties must be reported to the PPPP (Pantsless Party Protection Prerogative) and they will be dispatched forthwith.

Pants are to be loathed and despised and are to be worn only under the most dire circumstances. Always remember this gem:

If your parents aren't home; it's just you and your gnome,
The gnome's no curmudgeon and he won't be judging.
So TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.

We can't necessarily condone lots of wanton pants-less-ness, but we also can't really argue with the logic of a gnome-filled rhyme. The final decision is up to you. So: death to pants, or pants for life?

Related post: 10 Ways Pants Can Save Your Life