The Four Stages of an All-Nighter

DINOSAURISHMIZZLEFRAPPLE takes us deep into the heart of darkness that is the all-nighter. –Sparkitors

Why hello there, Sparklers. It's three in the morning down here in Texas, and I have got to say, life's a lot more bearable when you're sleeping.

If any of you are like me (crazed, hyperactive squirrel hybrids), you'll have pulled an all-nighter at some point in your life. Whether it's for concert tickets or Pre-Cal cramming, we all know what it's like to stay up until the obscenely early hours of the morning. And since I'm sitting at my computer right now using toothpicks to hold up my eyelids, I think I'm qualified to share with you the stages of staying up all night. Not the stages of an all-night slumber-party, or those of the all-nighters I pull when I dress up as a raccoon and raid my neighbors' garbage bins (they know why). Instead, I'll be covering the most common type: the last-minute homework disaster all-nighter.

Stage 1: Unicorn Blastoff!

You're pumped and ready to pummel that English assignment into the dust. In preparation, you drank three cups of coffee and a shot of sugar water. This leaves you jittery and full of energy. Energy!Energy! You're having trouble telling the difference between words you say and words you think, but why worry!

Nothing distracts you from your assignment so far. You're almost halfway through, and you still haven't crashed. But the room keeps on changing colors for some reason...It may have something to do with the three cans of Red Bull you just plowed through.

Stage 2: Herp Derp *drool*

You haven't crashed yet, but you're getting there. You can feel the sugar rush slowly fading from your bloodstream, but you don't want to admit to yourself that you no longer feel like a unicorn eating psychedelic clover. Now is the time to procrastinate, using such lame excuses as: "I'm just taking a break," "I'm resting my mind," and "I'm almost done, I can afford some 'me' time."

This is where you stop the homework and start the real business of the evening: chatting on Facebook, catching up on your Bergstein, and cruising Tumblr for all things Adventure Time, comic book, Mean Girls, and Doctor Who-related. Or, say, updating your blog. (Take the shameless self-promotion bait and run, folks!)

Even if you're not a psyched-up unicorn anymore, the caffeine in your bloodstream should still allow you to get some work done. But the following dialogue will demonstrate why it's absolutely impossible to work productively during the Herp Derp Stage:

Me: Thanks for the laughs, Tumblr, but I should probably get back to—

Tumblr: Sit your ass back down right now.

Me: Okay.

And there goes the majority of your night.

Stage 3: Self-Hate Mode

You have completely crashed and now realize you have only about two hours left to work. At this stage, you can do one of two things: a) panic and actually try to finish your homework, or b) give up and instead doodle laser sharks and airplane cats on a notebook for the rest of the night. There is no way to keep from hating yourself during this stage. You can try to stay positive, but it will not work. Yours is a rage-induced productivity, and you need to embrace and unleash it, so that you end up controlling the power of a thousand suns.

If you decide to go with Option A, you're going to become a whirlwind of activity! You'll analyze the entirety of Wuthering Heights in 3.5 seconds, then start to sweat mayonnaise just for the heck of it.

If you give up entirely and pick Option B, then not only do you not finish your work and ruin a perfectly good notebook with doodles of octopus cars, but you will also get a 7o or less on the day's test. Which you will take while technically asleep, so props to you on the 70!

Stage 4: Despair

You're done with homework, just in time to take a shower! You get your work together and head for the kitchen, then stand in proud accomplishment as you...LOL JUST KIDDING, YOU'RE DEAD ON YOUR FEET. You'll need sixteen espresso shots just to get yourself from your room to the front door. School will be hell, you'll look like a squirrel's nest, and you'll have octopus-car related hallucinations. Your mother might think you've become depressed, but you'll show HER. You're really just asleep at the dinner table!

This article was brought to you courtesy of phases one and three of my last all-nighter.

Have you ever pulled an all-nighter and lived to tell the tale?

Related post: Five Ways to Combat Insomnia

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