Comebacks to, "Your Mom/Dad is HOT!"

Is your mom hot? Does your dad smolder? If you're like us, you have no idea. The truth is, we all see our own parents as lumps of shapeless, sentient clay that can drive and occasionally rock out to weird old music. It's like, when you look at them, your mom is, you know, fine—not fine—and your dad is "cute" because he loves Jeopardy!—not "cute" in the way where anyone would ever want to, like, date him. (Because, you know, ew.) But what happens when, one brain-bleach-necessitating day, your friends suddenly get all rowrrrr whenever your folks are around? It's time to nip that junk in the bud with a few snappy comebacks.

Bestie: Your dad is smokin'.
You: No—that's your brain smoking from the aneurysm you're having. I'll call 911.

Bestie: Has your mom been working out? Because DAYummm.
You: I know she works out her colon regularly. That woman can not get enough fiber!

Bestie: So, is it weird how I kind of want to ask your dad out?
You: Of course not! Is it weird how, if you ever actually do, they'll have to come up with a new name for the kind of grotesque, multi-person hara-kiri I'll commit?

Bestie: Sometimes, I come over just so I can stare at your mom.
You: And that's what this restraining order is for!

Bestie: I'm going to be your new stepdad.
You: Okay. How wide are you?
Bestie: ...?
You: [exasperated] I'm just making sure there'll be enough room in the bed when I have nightmares.

Bestie: Your mom is just so...attractive.
You: Does "attractive" mean "dealing with a raging case of the herp?" Because then, yes, she's very "attractive."

Bestie: I bet your dad would date me.
You: Cool. What time should we schedule that duel? Noon work for you?

Bestie: Your mom's hot, dude.
You: Your mom's hotter. [beat, evil grin] Double date?

Bestie: Where'd your dad get those huge arms?
You: Grave robbing takes a lot of upper body strength.

Bestie: Your mom's totally flirting with me.
You: Aw—you're so cute. It probably just feels like that since the only girls you talk to are profile pics.

Are your parents hot? Admit it!

Related post: Yo Mama's So...And Other Great Comebacks