How to Become the Next Tween Heartthrob

oceaneyesx3 has got the tips to turn you into the next spectacularly-coiffed teen sensation. Don't forget about us when you hit it big.—Sparkitors

Have you ever been so jealous of Justin Bieber or Robert Pattinson that you seriously considered getting your hair cut to look like them? Do you desperately want to have millions of 13-year-old girls fantasizing about you? Do you not mind constantly having your clothes ripped off? Then you’ve come to the right place. Here are the steps to becoming a worldwide phenomenon.

1. Don’t Shower. Tween girls love the artfully disheveled look. In order to achieve this look, avoid water. While you’re at it, keep away from razors as well. Actually, just pretend like personal hygiene is a myth.

2. Release A Perfume. Make sure that it smells both fruity and musky, with a faint whiff of unicorn tears. Package it in something girly and sparkly; if possible, plop a giant plastic flower on top. Top that off with a simple title and a hefty price tag and you’re good to go.

3. “Write” A Book. Your fans devour every tweet, article, and printed word about you, so give them what they really crave: a printed manifest about your innermost feelings. Chances are you’re not too good with words, what with all the hair gel seeping into your brain, so hiring a ghostwriter is probably the best way to go. Make sure you give the book a catchy name and put your sexy self on the cover.

Extra Tip: Make the book angsty. Girls love the woe-is-me, tortured past.

4. Release a 3D Movie. This way, children can experience your supermegafoxyawesomehotness in a new dimension. Plus, you can charge an extra five dollars for the glasses.

5. Have Somebody Else Write Your Music. While you’re busy buying that new hairspray, hire somebody with talent to write your next big hit. Here’s a good recipe: Love + Baby + Autotune = Chart Topper.

6. Give To Charity. Not only will it help others, it will serve to lower the karma backlash that you will inevitably be receiving for turning millions of tween girls into rabid, obsessed zombies.

If you stick to these helpful guidelines, you will soon be on your way to stardom and all your dreams of drooling tweens will be coming true. Congratulations.

We are totally doing ALL OF THESE THINGS. Would you buy a perfume called "Sweat of the Dagger"? No? Maybe?

Related post: Justin Bieber: Always Say Sometimes

Image credit: shutterstock.com