Stupid McLoserPants: A Saga Begins

Sunshine_AZ reflects on her summer vacation, which included a lot of hilarious humiliation and one VERY troublesome crush.—Sparkitors

Summer for me consisted largely of pregnant women, a GIANT group of hormonal teenage girls, working at a fast food joint, and having possibly THE MOST embarrassing encounters with my crush, one aptly-named Mr. Stupid McLoserpants. Why couldn't I go on vacation to my Dad's beach house in Mexico? Or go to Europe? Or take a road trip across the US like other teenagers? Apparently it had something to do with the economy, which means I am blaming the economy for all my unfortunate encounters with the aforementioned crush.

Because of my parents' stubborn refusal to let me experience the joys of life, I was left in bleak and utter misery, remote in hand, brain goo coming out of my ears while watching random episodes of things I've never heard of on Hulu. All this boredom led to the sad misfortune of my acquiring a short history of humiliation with that Mr. Stupid McLoserpants. It's okay though, because I hate him. Even though he's cute. And can dance. And sing. And play the guitar. And has this sexy voice that makes me humanah humanah humanah...What was I saying? Oh yes. Ahem! Here's how it all began...

Episode 1: The First Date. Before school let out, completely out of the blue, Mr. Stupid McLoserpants came up to me, his gooney friends in tow (his gooney friends who I hate, by the way. No one cares about them. Least of all me.) and asked me timidly if I would go with him to a basketball game on Thursday night. The only problem was that I couldn't hear anything he said, because we were in the cafeteria, where high school students suddenly become indistinguishable from the baboons I saw at the zoo yesterday. (Yes, even their butts look mighty similar.) I just smiled and nodded and let him put his number in my phone. I had no idea what was going on.

Thursday night came, and I received a text message from Mr. Stupid McLoserpants asking if I was ready to go, and stating that he would pick me up in 10 minutes. Huh?! I was wholly unprepared. I then got a second message from him: "Do you like Zupas?" Zupas? What's a zupa? I frantically Googled it. The first thing to come up was a zoo in San Francisco. So I replied: "Um... I might if I knew what a zupa was."

Turns out "Zupas" is a restaurant. By my house. Face palm numero uno. Fortunately, that helped me figure out that this was, in fact, a date. Unfortunately, I panicked, because I WAS UGLY! But in five minutes, with the help of my pet mice and my fairy godmother, I resembled someone normal. (However, I did not get to go to game in a pumpkin-turned-magic-carriage. Bad omen.)

The restaurant part was...not good, to say the least. He came around to open the car door for me when we got there, but I didn't know Mr. Stupid was a gentleman...so I may or may not have smacked him in the face with the door. Also, I found out that it was his birthday, and that we were meeting another couple to celebrate, and I felt a lot like  the awkward kid who comes to a party for the food. McLoser didn't really talk to me for the entire meal; he spent most of the time talking to the other couple. I was pretty much ignored.

The basketball game went relatively the same; he hardly said a word to me. After making several feeble and failed attempts at conversation, I started wondering why he had asked me out in the first place. We rode home in silence (even though I didn't dare check to make sure, I'm fairly certain the couple that came with us was having fun with each others' tongues and tonsils in the back seat.) I was SO glad the date was over when I got home. I let him open the car door for me this time, and ran up to my front door—which, in accordance with Murphy's Law, was LOCKED.

How could my family do this to me?! Doesn't anybody love me? Doesn't anybody care that it is late and dark and cold and snowing and I AM OUTSIDE WITH A STRANGE BOY? After ringing the doorbell like a mad man and calling my mother, all the while being watched by 3 pairs of eyes in the drive way (Mr. Stupid and the Smoochers), my sister finally let me in.

I thought it was over. I thought I'd never have to worry about talking to him, or saying "Hey that was fun! Let's do it again sometime!" or even liking him. He obviously only asked me out because it was his birthday, and his dad bought him tickets to the game, and he needed a date, and I was probably NOT at the top of his list of girls to ask out. But then the ironic thing had to happen: my phone lit up with a message from Mr. Stupid McLoserpants. (Side note: at the time, his contact ID was not Stupid McLoserpants; it was changed to that after he EARNED it) saying "That was fun, we should do it again sometime :)"

Little did I know that "sometime" would infamously become known as Episode Two: The Night of Shame...

THERE'S MORE TO COME! We will be holding our breath in anticipation. Have you ever been on an awkward first date? Have you ever given a hilarious nickname to an ex-crush?

Related post: My Not-Great First Date