Auntie SparkNotes: Mismeddled

My Dearest Auntie,

I have a best friend, "Jon." I have known him since before my shoes mattered, and I recall a brief middle school romance that comes into play later, and he is very important to me. Recently, he confided in me that he was going to break up with his girlfriend. It was sad news, because I liked her a lot, but I understand completely why he was unhappy in the 3 year relationship.

Jon is my dearest and closest friend, and I had to literally walk him through his break up. He did it over the phone, and I was on Facebook chat with him instructing him on the most delicate way to drop it to her. The entire time, I felt so bad for her. But he seems a lot more free and clear now, like his old self. The problem is, he's becoming very clingy. I don't mean physically, as he is 30 miles away, but emotionally. Every last problem he has lately comes back to me. He continually asks if it's a good idea to get back together with his girlfriend, to which I reply for the 8798753084th time that he is not equipped to deal with her kind of emotional instability. He's also bringing up moments from the past of a romantic nature and confiding in me his regrets and things about us that he misses.

I don't mind that he comes to me, as I am the motherly nurturing type, but my boyfriend certainly *does* mind. He thinks I shouldn't meddle with their business, but I was the one Jon came to in the first place! I have come this far and most certainly cannot leave him alone, right?! I know he's just worried, seeing as how this is the 3rd friend the last 30 days who has shown interest in me, but it seems unfair because I don't have feelings for anybody else. Is it okay to stay friends with someone who is possibly still slightly interested, even if I have marked the friendship zone clearly? And am I really being intrusive, or is it okay to help in this kind of situation?

Is it okay to help? Sure! Of course! By all means! Help makes the world go round, helping is what friends do, help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it, and so on.

So, in short: help is good.

HOWEVER. Manipulating the lives and loves of others like a puppet master, and then professing shock and confusion when all that string-pulling ensnares you in a sticky, tangled web made out of Other People's Problems, is not. Because helping is about being sympathetic to and supportive of a friend's choices after the fact, not intruding on and influencing those choices as they happen—and yikes, did you ever cross a line when you step-by-stepped your pal through his breakup in real time.

Of course, this isn't all your fault; co-dependency is a two-way street, and your friend is just as complicit in handing over the reins on his life as you were in taking them. But just because you both contributed equally to this situation, that doesn't make it good or healthy. And no, just because you've come this far, that doesn't mean you can't still put on the brakes, turn around, and steer the relationship back in the right direction.

Or, in other words, just because you wiped your friend's emotional butt once doesn't mean that you should keep on wiping it. And in fact, if you want to help him, then what he needs isn't a lifetime of somebody else doing his emotional butt-wiping; he needs a nice roll of TP, a "good luck," and the freedom to clean up his own crap.

What this means, practically, is the following statement delivered compassionately but directly: "I care about you and want you to be happy, but you're looking for a kind of emotional support that I can't give you. I made a mistake by being too involved in your breakup, and I need to not continue making that mistake. I only want to be your friend, and I'm asking that you respect my feelings and not make any more comments suggesting that we could be more."

And then, it means backing off to a respectful, friendly distance—not just from Jon, but from anyone in whose life you've been overinvolved. (Hint: those three friends who expressed interest in you might be a good place to start.) And it means considering whether your apparent need to be needed would be better directed into something like volunteering, rather than mothering your male friends. And if you're asked for advice, give it—but give it just once, and with the caveat that you'll support whatever decision your friend makes.

And if you ever again get the urge to meddle, please remind yourself that your role in other people's lives should be spectator, not playmaker.

As for your other question, here's good news: if you set and insist on a strict friends-only boundary—and knock off the emotional overinvolvement that blurs that line—then it'll take care of itself. So that's nice, anyway.

Do you ever get too deep into other people's problems? Tell us how you got out! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

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