How To Deal with Political Conversations

Political conversations are like pterodactyls; you can't escape them, so you'd better just learn how to deal with them. It would be nice if the same solution (clawing at the sky and exclaiming "I am a tyrannosaurus") worked for both situations, but the effectiveness of this tactic is sporadic against human opponents. Your conversational scenario may vary; maybe you're trying to get out of an argument, or maybe you're trying to act knowledgeable when you are actually the kind of person who's always using pterodactyl analogies in respectable company. Either way, one thing's for sure: politics ruins everything for everybody. Here's how to make it ruin things slightly less.

Scenario 1: You want to contribute, but you have the political knowledge of a bag of hammers.
Setting: You've tried to care about politics; really, you have. You even turned on C-SPAN once; the camera spent ten minutes showing people milling around aimlessly before cutting to the Speaker of the House, who was either asleep or dead. "Mister Speaker," droned a thousand-year-old mummy, "This one-percent corn tariff is one of the moderately irresponsible tariffs in the history of corn, which I will now relate in great detail," at which point your brain went NOPE and simply turned itself off. But now, despite your best efforts, you find yourself talking politics with an attractive person, and it would be nice to seem like the kind of person who knows how many states there are.
Resolution: Faking political knowledge is just like faking football knowledge. Dodge direct questions, then blurt out the few key phrases you do know, for no apparent reason, whenever you can sneak a word in edgewise. "Given its recent efforts, can a central federal entity provide liquidity to such a vast financial system?" someone will ask. A thoughtful hush will ensue. "VICE PRESIDENTS," you will bellow, then smirk to yourself, satisfied with your contribution.

Scenario 2: An angry political conversation threatens to put everyone involved in the hospital.
Setting: Maybe someone has cornered you and is frothing madly about the Butt Tax or whatever. Maybe your friends have discovered that they have different political views, and are therefore obligated to strangle each other to death, because America. Either way, everybody needs to chill out.
Resolution: Defusing a pointlessly shouty political conversation requires calmness, empathy, and mediation. Begin by talking in a quiet voice; everyone will reflexively stop shouting and lean in really close to hear what you're saying, and then KABLAMMO, you punch them in the nose. Suitably calmed down, they will now listen as you empathize with them ("I understand your concerns that a butt tax would disproportionately favor the wealthy"), and mediate the argument. ("But can we all agree that we need some way to fund a giant fence around the country, to keep out draculas?")

Scenario 3: A political conversation is happening, and your only goal is to escape it.
Setting: You hate and avoid political conversations, but they inevitably find you anyway. You'll just be walking down the street, minding your own business, and some guy will pop out from under a manhole cover going REPUBLICANS DEMOCRATS FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY and you'll be like noooo because who cares about politics. Well, he does, at least, and appreciating why will help you end any political conversation.
Resolution: Understand that political ideologues are like robots; they operate on basic directives (discover target's political views->convert target), and they eat a lot of batteries. All you need to do is convince them you're already on their side ("Whom did I vote for in the last election? Um... you, of course.") or that you're too hopeless to bother converting ("What's an eleption? Ha ha, look, a bunny!"). Satisfied, the political ideologue will return home to defragment itself and chew on power cables.

Do you like talking about politics? Who are some of your favorite politicheads?

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