What does the ninth month of year have in store for you? There are only two ways to find out: Read our horoscopes below, or sleep with a magical duck beneath your bed.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Think four times before choosing a snack or life partner. Open doors, vials, and magazines slowly. The worst case scenario is that by the end of the month, you will have fewer knees than you have now. But that’s the worst case. Best case scenario: You will meet a dinosaur and become Principal of the Continent, a new political position which grants you near-limitless power over people between the ages of 13-18. Your lucky martial arts style is Dog Kung Fu.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The less you know about sheep, the better. A friend without a belt will turn to you for guidance. When this happens, do not mention his lack of belt. Thanks to the water cycle, the rain which will hit your face in exactly 88 hours was once water that Seth Rogen drank. Study page 34 exactly 17% more than you usually would. Beware sentences that begin and end with “beware.” Eat tacos, for they are delicious. Your lucky martial arts style is Poking Foot.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
There’s something fishy about all people named Scott. There’s something mammally about all fish named Anna. Items served on a yellow plate will lead to happiness. Never floss in an East to West direction, unless you enjoy dying young. Consider the rabbit. Use “Our Town” quotes to make new, sexy friends. Your lucky martial arts style is Leopard Kung Fu.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The man in the purple sweatshirt has a mysterious past and a bouncy future. Find love on the day when the total sum of raindrops that hits your roof is a prime number. Hate paper cuts and diarrhea? Then you may not want to visit the planetarium this month…or ever. If you need money, try selling ghosts. There is less candy in your life than you had hoped, but this will change. Be prepared. Your lucky martial arts style is Plum Fist.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
During lunch today, seek out the woman who eats only a bag of chips and ice tea, for she shall lead you to success and glory. When confronted with important decisions, ask yourself, “What would a magical talking chimney do?” If a Cancer tries to sell you ghosts, politely refuse. (There are free ghosts in the basement!) Enjoy trains and butlers this month. Do you like pickles? Good. Your lucky martial art is Free Fighting.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Look both ways before crossing the street, and those ways are skyward and South Southwest. A sock can be a puppet, but a puppet is a lousy sock. Make new friends by talking like a 1930’s zookeeper. The answer to question 14 is “galactic.” Someone is lecherously staring at a photo of you right now. This could be a good thing. Hooray for love! Never eat green or lavender potato chips. Your lucky martial art is the Three Emperor Cannon Punch.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Find success and love in the next person who sneezes more than twice. See what happens when you stop using the letter E in comments and emails. How well you deal with apes will greatly influence the outcome of this month. Learn Finnish. The next TV commercial you see will secretly explain your entire life, so watch carefully. The back of your knee will be itchy by the time you finish this sentence. Your lucky martial art is Shoot Boxing.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You are great this month, but your jumps could be higher and you’re not saying “lovely” with the right sense of sarcasm. Let’s work on that, OK? Finding money won’t be a problem, as a long you’re not afraid to get a little dirty and you’re not allergic to bird skeletons. People think you’re pretty funny, but dogs find your antics puerile at best. The 9th word on the 99th page of the dictionary is all about you. Your lucky martial art is Jujutsu.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your month will be fantastic. You will meet new, interesting people and have grand adventures that will last a lifetime. But whatever you do, don’t wink at all. Winking will be disastrous. And always apply deodorant to your left pit first, despite what your health care professional advises. And keep your mouth closed during even numbered minutes or risk blindness. And stop calling everyone “Tiger.” It’s annoying. Your lucky martial art is Cornish Wrestling.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
This is a horrible month to shop for a bear. Love looms near the looms. At 10 o’clock tomorrow morning, try not to blush. Choose option D. Having trouble with your computer? Perhaps you should NOT DO ANYTHING BECAUSE YOUR COMPUTER IS FINE AND NEEDS NO ASSISTANCE FROM A SNARKY WEBSITE. YOUR COMPUTER IS WONDERFUL. DO NOT ALTER YOUR COMPUTER. THIS IS SPARKNOTES TYPING. THIS IS NOT YOUR COMPUTER TYPING…AT ALL. Your lucky martial art is Singlestick.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
This school year will begin with laughter and end in wet shoes. Shouldn’t you be doing homework? Here, let us help. The answer to question 18 is, “Trick question, smartass!” Make friends by using a sexy new handshake that transcends the very definition of handshake. Someone is in love with you and here’s a hint: potato. Birds will begin migrating soon. Prepare the traps accordingly. Your lucky martial art is Capoeira.
Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
Ask a friend for advice and then do the opposite of that advice. The elevator is no place for a parrot. Keep your eyes peeled for…damn, you just missed it! If someone asks if you’ve seen Night at the Museum 2, lie. Tackle problems head on. Tackle horses to the left. It’s very important that you don’t stare at statues this month because…well…it could get weird. Love will be yours if you open your heart and a jar of gravy. Your lucky martial art is Defendo.
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Related post: August Horoscopes
Topics: Life
Tags: horoscopes
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