Chapter Four: Back to the Burrow
Better Title: Don't Mess With the Weasleys
I want to be a Weasley. I want to have cool brothers and an adequate sister. I want a dad who is goofy and kind and a mom who is both stern and sweet. I want a garden filled with gnomes and an attic filled with ghouls. I want to have large family dinners every night, and discuss magic and dragons around the fire until it's time for bed.
Sadly, that is not my life. I have a cool brother, but he's far away. My parents were great, but could not make kitchen utensils float. My backyard is filled with weeds and dumb rabbits, and my attic is empty except for Doug, the leprechaun. And at night I talk about magic and dragons, but Doug is too busy playing Call of Duty and sexting his girlfriend to care. [sigh]
These three chapters are short and fun, and make me jealous. First, Mr. Weasley, Ron, Fred, and George come to the Dursleys' house and take Harry back to the Weasley home (which everyone calls The Burrow).
Can you just name your house like that? Call it The Burrow? That's a cozy name, and fitting, but if I were going to give my house a nickname, I would choose from my running list of possible nicknames for domiciles:
The Walrus Barn
Palace of Dreams and Pie
Bitchin' Thunder Cottage
The Bat-ican (Like the Vatican, but for Batman and his best buddy Dan.)
The Pleasure Dome
Dan's Home and Illegal Shoe Distribution Center. (The shoes I distribute are dangerous.)
Thunder Cottage Turbo 9,000
Mr. Weasley tries his best to be polite with the Dursleys, but things go from awkward to horrible when one of the twins slips Dudley a cursed piece of toffee that makes his tongue grow.
The frazzled and embarrassed Mr. Weasley ushers everyone into the fireplace to send them back to The Burrow, and apologizes for the mess.
Dear H. P.,
Dammit kid! Please stop sending letters, and stop addressing them in such an obvious manner. Do you want me to be arrested and have my soul ripped from my body? I'm so lonely. My mind is acting odd.
Yesterday I killed a rat with a rock and used the blood to brush my teeth. Think about that while you're stuffing your orphaned little face with snacks.
So, have you worked out a way to clear my name yet? It's been months. I'm sure Dumbledore is hard at work in the law libraries of the Ministry. He's such a wise, kind man. And I'm innocent. I'm a hero! He wouldn't let me continue to live on the streets, where I often scream at the wall, because the wall is out to get me!
Don't trust the wall, Harry! Do you hear the wall talking to you, too? Some nights I can't stop shaking.
Remember when I sent you that fancy new broom and all those treats? Well, maybe you could send me a blanket and some crackers. If you don't have a blanket, send one of Dudley's T-shirts. Hahaha…just kidding. But seriously, send some damn food, you ungrateful brat.
Buckbeak's name was hardly fitting. The most I could get for his beak was two cigarettes and a moldy orange.
Would you like to buy some hair? I'm selling my hair.
Maybe you could ask around school to see if anyone wants to buy hair, or rope made of hair. And it tastes OK.
Shh…the wall is listening.
Chapter Five: Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes
Better Title: The Weasley Twins Should Have Their Own Book Series
At the Weasley compound, Harry meets the older Weasley brothers, Bill and Charlie, and Mrs. Weasley flips out because Fred and George nearly killed Dudley. There's a lot of yelling and shuffling about inside the tiny house.
Why is the Weasley home so small and crowded? You'd think wizards would conjure up their own mansions instead of living in old dilapidated farmhouses. And why aren't they dressed better? Must they always look frumpy and poor? A flick of a wand can turn a pencil into a shark, so turning a ratty dress into a designer outfit should be easy.
[Waits for a Potter enthusiast to shout, "Shut up, you greasy pile of horse dung! There are rules to magic and, um…well…shut up! You're being rude. You shouldn't ask about such things because these books are perfect. You should only love the books and never question anything about them. I hope you die in a helicopter propeller!"]
Ginny and Hermione show up, and I'm a bit confused. Why is Hermione there? Are Ginny and Hermione BFFs, or do they just pal around together because they both have ovaries? We never see them hang out at school.
More importantly, does Hermione care about Quidditch? She always seems disinterested in the sport. I wonder why she would want to see the World Cup. It's a spectacle, sure, but I think she'd be more at home in a library reading about paint.
Most importantly, why is Ron allowed to invite two friends to the game?
Maybe Fred and George wanted to bring a friend. I'm sure Lee Jordan would appreciate the match more than Hermione. Seems unfair. Doesn't The Lamp have any friends? Or Bill, or Charlie?
RON: Can Harry and Hermione come with us to the Quidditch World Cup?
MR. WEASLEY: Of course!
BILL: May I bring my friend Howard?
MR. WEASLEY: Get the hell out of my face, you pathetic overgrown nipple! Go to your room and think about what you've done!!!
I should mention Percy Weasley. He's an ass. I want to rip his ear off with a pair of pliers. After graduating from Hogwarts, he got a job with the Ministry working for Barty Crouch. This is important, so don't forget it.
Your letters are real funny. They make me laugh. I'm having loads of fun with my friends and I have lots to eat. We're going to World Cup tomorrow! I'm so happy all the time!
What was the stain on the bottom of your last letter? It looked like raspberry jam, but it tasted like bloody throw-up. Maybe the raspberry jam went sour.
Sorry you're still a homeless, hunted criminal. I asked Dumbledore about clearing your name and he said, "The children of fruit often become trees." What the hell does that mean? Probably another cryptic message that explains how us kids can prove you're innocent and save your life. We couldn't figure it out, so instead we played wizard chess and ate pumpkin cake!
I'm sending you a picture of me smiling. That will cheer you up!
Maybe tomorrow I will think of a way to clear your name. Or maybe I'll just play with my bellybutton and eat sweets!
Chapter Six: The Portkey
Better Title: That Thing Which Will Be Important Later
The Quidditch World Cup is a huge event, and it's a logistical nightmare to arrange travel for all the wizards. Older wizards can Apparate (which means teleport), but Harry and his friends are too young and so they must all use a Portkey.
The Portkey is an enchanted item that, when touched at a certain time, will transport someone to a specific place. There seems to be one Portkey for each neighborhood. Mr. Weasley takes the kids early in the morning up a hill to find their local Portkey.
They meet Mr. Diggory and his son Cedric, who will also be traveling via Portkey. Cedric is the world's most perfect boy. He's like Justin Bieber, but double. It sure would be a shame if anything bad happened to him. More on Cedric later.
Speaking of later, it's a bit stupid that this book introduces the concept of Portkeys and then at the end of the book, Portkeys become super, duper relevant. It would be as if in the beginning of Titanic, Rose said, "Look at that wooden door. If this boat ever sunk, I bet that door would support my weight and keep me afloat on the icy ocean, but it's probably too small for me and a handsome loner who plays by his own rules. Anyway, let's eat biscuits!"
Mr. Weasley checks his watch and says it's time. Everyone touches the Portkey, which happens to be an old boot. Harry feels a strange sensation in his belly and is whisked away.
I killed a squirrel today with my mouth. Now the squirrel's spirit is inside me AND whispers horrible things during the night—horrible things. He asks me to stare at the sun. ShOUld I do that, Harry? Why Is tHe squirrel talking to me? Maybe I should kill him by drinking fires and nAils!
My brain is hurty and I ate newspaper for dessert.
Your MOM Was totally hot and I Wanted to Kiss her mouth with my mouth!
My feet are not to be trusted! They have an agenda against me. HELP ME Mr. Harry Potter. I will silence my feet with my Silencing Knife. That'll show 'em!
Can I come home now! Living on the streets is scary. Can't stop shaking. Please make me innocent?! Don'T tell my feet that I wrote you this sandwich.
Send food and medicine to me because I need it.
Do you want to buy my feet? You should buy one of them, at least! YOU hAve loads of money! GIVE ME SOME OF IT!
I can't stop scratching. There are invisible bugs on my arms. Do you wanT To buy some invisible bugs from My ARM? Do it.
HELP ME! So cold. So very cold. And konfewsed.
I'm sending you some hair. Pay me back later.
House Bergstein School Announcements
We have our new class officers!
Ghost Tamer: JustAnotherScienceGeek
Official Ninja: Readergrl96
Zombie Slayer: WhichWitchIsWhich
Evil Twin: omgitsbeccagee
Shadow Keeper: Charred_Rose11
Commissioner of Abnormal Beasts: NicholleTheNarwhal
Commissioner of Magical Hoops: Hippogriff_Hugger
Congratulations to the winners. (And Hippogriff_Hugger, we're going to need some magical hoops for the fall hayride, so get to work!) We still need a Vice President and Commissioner of Robots and Cyborgs, unless I misread the hundreds of applicants.
Beginning this school year, I will be teaching three new courses: Offense Against the Medium-Gray Arts, Advanced Caves, and Honors Penguin Folding. Remember: Colleges and Universities are eying your Advance Caves scores carefully.
Some people consider corn a vegetable. Others say it's a grain. And some fools call it a fruit. That's absurd. Here in my House, we shall call it a "Food Spike" or, during the holidays, a "Stationary Limbless Ferret."
Along with the usual school supplies, you will also need a raccoon (Don't bother naming it. You'll get too attached) and a protractor that measures angles, angels, and Angelas.
The Glee Club is missing. If you see a very jubilant wooden bat, please bring it back to the Glee Club cage located in the minor office.
Write an essay about how you spent your summer vacation, using only movie titles.
Clone your thumb.
Learn to communicate with cinnamon.
Related posts: Blogging Harry Potter