Hello, Auntie!
Let me get right to the point: My dad filed for divorce in June of 2010. He had mentioned thinking about it the previous November, but he left for Iraq the next day and we didn't hear about it again until he emailed my mom and told her what was coming.
Over the months, my brother spent more time with my dad, and I spent more time with my mom. In April of this year, my father got a job in Germany, and he took my brother with him. Before my brother left, we weren't on the best of terms, but we weren't on the worst, either. We had some really bad fights over the way he was treating my mom, but then we'd cooled off by the next time we saw each other.
Since he's been gone I've sent him several messages, but he doesn't respond to me at all. The court ordered my dad to pay for my mom and I to come visit my brother this summer, and we've been trying to plan the trip with my dad. However, my brother responded to my mom tonight and told her that he didn't wish to see either of us, and he didn't wish to be in contact with us at all.
I hate that we aren't in contact anymore, and most of all, I hate that he doesn't care about me, and what I'm up to, at all. We've had our fights like any other siblings, but I thought that even though our parents are at odds, and I'm struggling with my relationship with my father, that we'd still be on good terms. But he's completely ignoring me on Skype, Facebook, and email, and I have no other means of contacting him.
I haven't sent him any messages since he left in April. I was hoping I might be able to try again soon, but then he sent that email where he specifically said that he didn't want to talk to me at all, and didn't want us to be involved with his life in any way, shape, or form. What do I do? He's 17 (I'm nearly 16) and is leaving for college soon, and I'm afraid we won't have a chance to really be in touch with each other again for years.
Brace yourself, Sparkler, because I'm gonna have to hit you in the face with a big, nasty Honesty Brick. Ready? Okay, here goes:
There's a decent chance here that your fear of a years-long estrangement will eventually become a reality. And if that's what your brother wants, then there's nothing you can do about it.
And I'm so sorry, because none of this is your fault. In fact, you've done everything right—from remaining caring and nonjudgmental toward your brother, to doing your best to stay in touch, to staying cool in the face of his awful, brutal rejection. But sometimes, this just happens; you do everything right, you act responsibly and maturely, and it all still falls apart. And that can especially happen when your best efforts are sabotaged by three other people who are determinedly acting like turkeys.
Which they are, although your brother can be partly excused based on the fact that he's immature and confused and angry; in other words, that he's a 17-year-old boy caught in the middle of an acrimonious divorce. But your parents... well, we won't dwell on it (and readers, please refrain from bashing the LW's parents in the comments), but let's just say that they certainly haven't done you any favors by behaving the way they have. And more to the point, you can draw a direct line from the way they've handled their divorce to the way your brother is treating you and your mom. If your family is a sinking ship, then your parents are crew members who decided to each grab a lifeboat and steer them in completely opposite directions—leaving both you and your bro to either choose sides or drown. And since your brother joined Team Dad, and since your dad seems determined to alienate himself (withholding financial support, undermining your mom's parental authority, and so on), then it's not hard to understand why your bro is following his lead.
None of which makes this suck any less for you, and none of which you can change. But here's the bright side: your brother won't be an angry, impulsive 17-year-old forever. And in the next few years, there's a good chance that time and maturity and his own experience with relationships will lead him to realize that this whole, sordid mess was never as simple as "Dad good, Mom bad."
Unfortunately, until then, it's on you to do what nobody else seems able to: act like a grownup. Write to your brother and tell him that you're sorry he's chosen to estrange himself. Tell him you hope that one day he'll revisit his decision. And then, regularly but rarely (say, once every six months), reach out to him with an email or letter telling him what you've been up to, and sign off with the gentle reminder that you're happy to hear from him should he change his mind.
I'm not gonna lie: this will be hard. You may send these message for years before your brother responds, and there's also a chance, albeit slim, that he'll never grow up enough to reconsider the estrangement. And as such, it's up to you to decide if and when even this effort to maintain a relationship becomes too much to bear—at which point you can choose to stop. But as long as you can stand it, keep writing. Keep the door open. Keep your fingers crossed, and we will, too.
Good luck, Sparkler. We're rooting for you.
Have you ever coped with an estrangement? Tell us how you handled it! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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