I'm Using Facebook To Take Over the WORLD

TanTantheLadiesMan doesn't ask for much; just your undying loyalty and the power to bend the masses to his will.—Sparkitors

I was working on my scheme for world domination (it’s rapidly coming to fruition; it’ll be called Tannertopia, and everyone will have to wear capes) and was just about to write up my diabolical end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it speech when I got writer’s block. This, of course, could only be cured by a 12-hour stint on Facebook. As I perused pictures of my friends, my friends' friends, and total and complete strangers, and as I "liked" everything that appeared on my wall, I realized that Facebook was exactly the sort of tyrannical heaven that I had been hoping for. I didn’t have to go out and take over the world; with Facebook,I could become a dictator from the comfort of my own squeaky desk chair. Here's the rationale behind my deliciously evil Facebook revelation.

1. You can force your subjects to listen to you. By subjects, of course, I mean Facebook friends (in my world they’re pretty much the same thing). Facebook allows you to effortlessly broadcast your opinion to everyone you know; suddenly, the fact that you're "eatin' cheetos on the floor like a boss" is blowing up everyone's newsfeed. Unless they're willing to block or defriend you (a drastic action that only the bravest will dare to perform), no one will be immune to your narcissistic ramblings about how your black, skin-tight, tyrant pants make you look “OMG HAWT!”

2. You can track down the enemy. Tyrants are known for having ranks and ranks of search squads at their disposal to find the enemy camp; fortunately for me (and any other aspiring tyrants), the Facebook search bar is pretty much the exact same thing. No one is truly hidden from your all-seeing eye; with a few simple key strokes, you can look at your arch-nemesis and mutter to yourself "Man, his hair looks really stupid in that photograph."

3. Dissent is non-existent. No matter what you say on Facebook, NO ONE is truly able to disagree with you. You could post the  most absurd. infuriatingly untrue thing as your status and not a single person has the ability to "dislike" what you say. All of those who rebel against your tyrannical rule are powerless to “stick it to the man” (the man being you).

4. Propaganda in your favor. You may have smirked at the last suggestion and said, “Silly (but beautiful) Tanner, we may not be able to dislike statuses, but we sure as heck can remark about how stupid they are in comments!” I would reply with a hearty and conceited laugh (if I’m gonna be a tyrant, I gotta get that down), demote you to toilet cleaner in my future regime, and say “Yes, but I can DELETE your comments!” (This statement would be followed by a maniacal guffaw, which I also need to work on.)  You see, if you comment “Wowwwww, you’re a moron” (which I’ve received only, like, fifteen times) I can just click the little "X" button on your comment and say goodbye to anything (no matter how accurate it may be) that makes me seem like a terrible person.

I see Facebook sort of like the One Ring; it was created for a good purpose, but somehow, somewhere, someone wielded it for the wrong reason and made it into an invincible evil weapon (just pretend that Lord of the Rings analogy made sense). And I'm going to use that weapon to make Tannertopia a reality. You better start making your cape.

Lady Advice: Don’t be a tool and use Facebook to take over the world.

We never really realized the full potential of Facebook until RIGHT NOW. Will you be using it to become an evil dictator?

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