Adam Sandler Has Made the Perfect Movie

All other filmmakers should give up. Adam Sandler has made the best movie. Though we have only seen the trailer for his upcoming film, Jack and Jill, we feel that this movie will be the pinnacle of motion picture art. Jack and Jill is a gift; the fact that it exists is proof that there is a God, and the fact that it can be viewed by anyone with $10 and two hours to spare is proof that God is generous and benevolent.

Thank you, Adam Sandler. Thank you. This movie cannot be released fast enough.

If you have yet to view the trailer for Jack and Jill, click here. But first take a moment to consider your life, for after viewing the trailer, there is no going back. Take a deep breath and wave goodbye to your history. This movie is why we have eyes.

Only the talented A. Sandler could have dreamt up a scenario in which he plays not only the role of a regular man, but also the role of the man’s twin sister. What a delightful twist! Not since Hitchcock’s Vertigo have we been given the chance to explore human nature in such an interesting, unique way.

The trailer drips with realism usually only seen through windows. Is this a movie, or did Sandler simply point the camera at life and shout, “Live!” Here in this simple tale of a twin brother and sister, we finally see ourselves in a mirror like no other.

The choices Sandler made are both courageous and inspiring. Who but Sandler would ask famed actor Alfredo Pacino to play a caricature of himself in the movie? Sandler knew what special thing young audiences desire most of all, and that thing is Al Pacino. When Pacino sends the hot dog to Jill, we laugh. And then we think. And then we nod.

And then…the jet ski scene. Austrian philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein famously said, “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.” And so we are silent.

This is a movie about subtlety. When the movie is released this holiday season, one viewing will not be enough for us to say we truly “saw” the film. This is a movie that will reward subsequent viewings. Plan accordingly.

And now, you must excuse our lack of professionalism.

There is a small, yet real, chance that Adam Sandler is reading this. We cannot let such an opportunity be wasted. Forgive us, loyal SparkNotes readers, as we pitch Mr. Sandler a few of our own movie concepts—concepts he, and only he, can spin into artistic gold. Adam Sandler, for your consideration:

Whoops!
It’s a movie about a guy who falls down often because he was born with banana peel feet. (Kevin James plays the doctor.)

The Unfortunate Case of Mr. Trunkle
You play Mr. Trunkle, a businessman who grows a pair of boobs due to an ancient curse, and then stuff happens at a water park. (Sample dialogue: “I went from a coffee cup to a C-cup in one day!”)

Checkers, the Checkers-Playing Cat
You play a down-on-his luck farmer who finds out that his cat, Checkers, is really good at playing checkers. Think of it as Inception, but for cats. (Kevin James plays the vet.)

S’mores!
In this romantic comedy, you play a shy camp counselor who falls in love with a smart, beautiful, charming, witty, supermodel…who also happens to be a camp counselor. The go-cart/dentist scene will be hilarious. (Rob Schneider plays the foreign dignitary.)

Crapper Farts and the Toilet Machine
This is a big-budget special effects movie about a man named Crapper Farts, the inventor of the first toilet. (Sample dialogue: “Oh no! It’s everywhere!”)

Benja-man
You play a down-on-his luck gym teacher who accidentally swaps minds with founding father Benjamin Franklin. (You’ll never guess who we think should play Ben Franklin. Hint: He once ruled all of Queens.)

Tony
This is a movie about a guy named Tony. Not sure what his deal is, yet. Maybe Tony has talking teeth. That’d be funny, right?

Jack and Jill and Jo-Jo
Jack and Jill are back, and now you also provide the voice for the pet dinosaur who surfs.

Those are just some of our ideas. We thank you for your time and your brilliance.

Have you already purchased your tickets for Jack and Jill?

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